Easter Thoughts

It's Easter. It's 3:15 AM and I'm in my most familiar places. Alone on my couch. Being that's it's Easter, my thoughts have turned to God. Truth is if there is someone out there looking down and judging, what would He think of me? Am I a good person? Am I everything that I can be? Because from here I feel like an epic failure. Divorce? check. Engage in Adultery? Check. Covet thy neighbor's wife? CHECK. I've made so many horrible decisions in life in the pursuit of love. I'm led by my desire to be happy, yet I'm farther from happiness than I've ever been. I'll never be "the one" to anybody. I'll never be the center of anybody's world. I can be someone on the side. Or someone's backup plan. Or someone to use until something better comes along. I'm a supporting actor, not a leading man. A side dish, not the main course. A stepping stone, or someone to pass the time. I'm a good time. But something serious or permanent? Never. Maybe it's because I fall for the people who are in need. I try to help people that are down and upset. I prop them back up, and then they have the confidence to find someone they truly care about. I am the prototypical rebound guy. That's apparently all I'm worth. And I don't know how to fix it. I'm so scared. Scared that I missed something somewhere. Scared that my best days are behind and I'll never find that special someone, or if I did that I screwed it up. I'm 37 years old. I have no money, I'm divorced. My job sucks. I have no kids, no girlfriend, no friend that I can trust enough to tell my secrets. Nobody who views me as their somebody special. I'm so sick of getting blown off for someone else. Sick of no responses to text messages. Sick of being made to feel unimportant. I swear I'm so close to leaving it all behind and going away. Stop talking to anyone. No one would really notice, and those that did would be relieved. I just want to matter to SOMEONE. I want that feeling that happens in movies, and I want that person to feel the same. But I've realized that it's way too much to ask. At least for me. I feel like I'm drowning in quicksand reaching out for help, but everyone else has better things to do to get involved. So I'll just stay there until there's no way out. Maybe it's my destiny to be alone. Not everyone gets the fairy tale. And the truth is, at this point I'm too jaded and cynical to ever let someone in enough to fall in love anyway. So it's another holiday alone. Suppose I should get used to it...

I'm just so irate that I need to write. I just don't get it. Why does she just treat me like a piece of garbage. Like an annoyance. Tonight we fought. I mean a yelling, screaming argument that probably had been bottled up for awhile. Truth is, I don't want to fight with her. I never have. I just get so frustrated. Everyone and everything is more important than me, and it's so infuriating. Yet I still didn't want to fight. Or maybe I did. I don't know. I really just want to explain myself. To try and talk through whatever problems we have. But she's so confrontational. Pissed off. Looking for any reason to jump down my throat. I don't know why. I just want to say STOP already! I don't want to fight. I don't want any of this. But she's yelling and I have to yell over her to be heard. So now it's a shouting match. It's all so stupid. She decided one day she needed time away. No explanation. And she expects me to understand. Well I didn't understand. I still don't. I just wanted to sit like mature individuals and discuss it. Instead we argue like immature idiots. Whatever we had, the "spark" or "electricity" or whatever it is has gone and it's been replaced by uneasiness and anger. It's so sad. Because we could have been great. Maybe we both sabotaged it because we don't know how to be happy. We'd rather it go to shit so we have something to complain about. But I don't think so. I just know that if I had to choose between how we were and how we are, I'd pick the past everytime. She says I ruined it, that I pushed her away. If she truly feels that way, then that's unfortunate. I disagree. I feel she pulled away, and I dealt with it wrong. If she just would have given us a chance, none of this would have happened. But none of it matters now. Between the two of us we took something perfect and tainted it. Ate the apple in the Garden of Eden and ruined perfection. Shame on us. Because that feeling and finding that person comes once in a lifetime. And we fucked it up. I don't know how to get it back. I don't know how to even get back to a place where she even wants a friendship. How can that be? We told each other so much and cared so deeply for each other. But everytime I try to make an effort to get any of it back, it backfires and gets worse. I don't know what to do. I get so mad everytime she walks past me and acts like I'm not there. I can't give her space, I see her every day! Can't talk through it, she doesn't want or care to talk. I'm helpless. And I don't understand how this all got so hard. She acts so differently. She makes it awkward. I hate her right now, and I hate that I hate her. I just want one more chance. One more night alone. Get a drink or go to dinner. And just go back to being the people we've always been. Cut through all this bullshit. And if it's not there anymore or we're bored, it's over. If it isn't, then forget this last month and let's get back to being the "us" that we've always should have been. But I can't make her, and the fact that she doesn't want to speaks volumes. There's just so many feelings going through me right now. Anger that she can throw it all away. Sorrow that we've ruined my chance at happiness. Fear that I'll forever be scared to let anyone in again, since this was such a miserable failure. But mostly I feel numb. I feel empty, like there's a void back in me that she used to fill. I feel confused, wondering how I could have saved it if I could at all. I just want to wake up and have the last couple months be just a bad dream. Because there used to be a time when I couldn't wait to wake up and go to work, just to see her and see what the day would bring. Knowing full well it would be amazing, even if we did nothing. Now I wake up dreading getting out of bed, because I have to see her and I know it's going to end horribly. It's the worst feeling I can ever imagine. How did it get this bad? God I hate it...

I purposely resisted the urge to write for the last couple weeks. Basically because it was getting tedious. I was getting sick of myself. Whining "why doesn't she like me?" everyday is so sad and pathetic I was going to beat the shit out of myself. Truth is, I had a love with her that could have been legendary. It was easy. Perfect. But it got screwed up. She didn't push hard enough to make it happen, and I got annoyed. I pushed too hard to make it happen and she got annoyed. And it's turned into nothing and that sucks worst of all. But I can't wallow about it, constantly living in the past. I can't keep waking up every day hoping that it's the day that she remembers how much fun we had together. That she remembers that I'm a great person, and a greater friend. She obviously has moved on and while that's unfortunate, I am helpless to change it. So I'm not going to be sorry that it's over, I choose instead to be grateful that it happened. I've felt an incredible love, as fleeting as it turned out to be. I felt deeper than I thought I could, and I opened myself up to someone in a way I never previously would. And if someday she does wake up and wants to spend time with me again, whether that's sexually or as a best friend or in any other capacity, well then I'll be thankful for it. Because there was never was a time that we spent alone that we didn't have an amazing time. And I miss that. But if it never happens, so be it. Life goes on. This isn't a fairy tale. Happily ever after doesn't exist, as least not for me. I just thought it could. I had hope, and that was a nice feeling to have. Maybe someday I can feel it again, but until I do I'll just be content for the moments I've had that have made me smile.

END OF AN ERA

I can't take it anymore. It's all over. My life as I know it has changed. She HATES me. I have no idea why. When we're together, she feels uncomfortable. Things are awkward, she's cold and distant. And I don't know what happened. She is all smiles and flirts with all the other managers. Yet with me, standoffish. I feel like the kid who was friends with someone in Junior High, only to get ditched for the "cooler" kids in high school. And the worst part is, if I try to make it better, she gets mad and pushes me farther away. I can't take it. Everytime I see her, I get this feeling in the pit of my stomach. And it's not because I want to be with her. Not at all. As a matter of fact, I know there's no chance for us anymore. Even if she came to me, I wouldn't pursue it. It's just that she was my best friend. The one I could turn to. About anything. She was my saving grace. She helped me. Made me smile in more ways than I can count. And now I have nothing. if I reach for her, she winces. Everything is so uncomfortable. I just want her to call me or text me and say that she loves me. That she always will be my friend. Come to me (instead of everyone but) when she has a problem. Miss me now that I'm out of her life. Is that too much to ask? I hate what happened to us. I hate that she took some thing perfect and spit on it (though I understand the reasons). I hate that she broke my heart and turned around like it's no big deal. I hate that she will NEVER call me again, unless it's to pick her up coffee or cigarettes on my way to work. I hate that I've become so unimportant, so replaceable. Not even she can deny what we had, how can she just turn it completely off? I spend half my time hopelessly in love with her hoping we could have been together and the other half wishing we'd never met. This hurts so badly. Seeing her all the time. All smiles, hugging everyone else. Or texting back and forth with someone at 3AM. That used to be me! I don't know what the next step is. I want my best friend back. I want to smile again. I want to make each other laugh. I want to know that if and when i text her, it's greeted warmly. Is that too much to ask? Apparently. Because she's so irate with me. The only thing I've been guilty of is caring about her too much. Why does that warrant this? Because I would drop everything for her. Because if she's upset I ask what's wrong and if she's ok? Isn't that what friends are for. She is the only person in the world that gets me. The only opinion I truly care about. And her opinion is that I'm annoying, smothering, and not worthy of her friendship. Awesome. I'm out of ideas. This will never get better, and my last shot at something great has blown up in my face. And I can't talk to anyone about it, because i have no friends left. And the one's I do have I can't tell. Just kill me..

Disappointment

I am so disappointed today. Problem is, I have no idea what I'm disappointed in. Things have just gotten so fucked up and I'm clueless how to fix it. I'm pretty sure the right answer is to keep my distance and hopefully things will eventually return to normal. But I can't. I work with her. I see her every day. And every day she acts indifferent towards me. She acts cold and distant. Things, mind you, that just a couple weeks ago she begged ME not to be. And when she's not apathetic, she's angry. Angry that I want to talk to fix it. Or explain myself. Or question what's going through her head. It's so frustrating. I just want to go back. I would kill to go back to when it was easy. When we constantly made each other smile. It truly made me as happy as I've ever been. I mean I love this girl. Love her more than anything. But I can't make her love me back. I wrote her a book for Valentine's Day. I poured my heart and soul into it. Meant every word. It meant a lot to me, because she means a lot to me. What did she get me? Nothing. Not even a card. And it makes me think it's because that's what I mean to her. Nothing. So where did it go wrong? Who knows? The final straw was when I apparently misinterpreted something she said. What she said hurt me a lot. Enough that I wrote about it here. So you would think that she would feel badly that she hurt me, even if unintentionally. But instead she yelled at me for twisting her words around and hasn't been the same since. I told her that I feel like I'm losing all my friends and she gets angry and feels like she can't be friends with me and it's my fault. Not exactly supportive. And yet I'm the one that feels like shit. I don't get it. So who should I be disappointed in? Her for pushing away? Or me for smothering so much that she felt like she had to. I don't know. I just know I'm lost without her. And it sucks...

I'm laying on my couch. It's 3:44 AM, and I've just finished texting back and forth with someone who I used to be close with. Basically, the gist of the conversation was that she did not want to be friends anymore. Awesome. I'm going through an incredibly difficult time right now, every single day is a struggle. And everyone I know wants to distance themself from me. I need more, they want less. Why? I try so hard to be the best person I can be. It's worthless. I feel like I have no one to turn to. I can't be myself. Because no one wants the real me around. They want the fake me. Because the people that see me without the walls up, apparently would rather they didn't. I feel hollow. Empty. I wake up every day and wish to God there's a text from that special someone. But there isn't. I haven't asked her to hang out. I didn't even text her for 3 days. I'm pretty sure she didn't even notice, and if she did, she was thankful. I can't shake this feeling of anger at the world. Angry at her for turning her back on my everything. And acting like it doesn't bother her a bit, while it kills me inside. Angry at my "friend" that doesn't want to be bothered with me. Angry that I have no one. Everyday I think about just leaving, going somewhere and starting over. And I know nobody would care for more than a day or two. I am so miserable. And I don't know if there's anything that can fix it. Ever. I'm numb. Finished. I have no hope. I have no desire to do anything anymore. Figure I can do that one last favor for anyone.

Just got home after a long night. A night that started out well, but ended with a thud. I hung out with some friends and had a really nice time. Had a few drinks and was ready to call it a night. Then I did something stupid. I met up with her. Now to me, this is never something that I would categorize as stupid. I mean I love hanging out with her. Always have. But tonight was different. Tonight I was made to feel like a piece of shit. Basically it was insinuated that the times we were together were for the most part one-sided. She never wanted them, she relented. Is it possible I could have misread a situation so badly? Did I really coerce her into something she didn't want to do? I really am garbage. I don't deserve her or anyone else. I honestly have never felt so unwanted. So irrelevant. So low. I was under the impression that all these feelings are mutual, that the only things standing in our way are her commitments. Now I'm starting to see that it's much more than that. I shouldn't have to constantly seduce and try to convince her or anyone else to do something. I need to find someone that wants me, is dying to kiss me, can't control her thoughts and actions around me. She used to be that person, or so I thought. Now it seems as though I am and will forever be someone she has clearly affixed in the rear view mirror, if I am important enough to be placed at all. I am so sorry for the harm and guilt I've caused. I just really thought that we were bigger than all of this. But in reality I was a fling that she wants to rid herself of. And I've just been too stubborn to let her. So as painful as this all is, I can't be that asshole anymore. Everyone's been right about me. I am a jerk. I am so dumb. Why would I ever think that she could want and love me like that? Well she won't have to worry. Since our trip to Atlantic City I haven't made a pass at her, and I don't intend to ever again. I'll keep my distance physically until I get some sign suggesting differently. I sure she won't miss it or even notice. In fact, she'll probably be thankful. And the world will be a happier place. Except of course for me. Happy Valentine's Day....