Easter Thoughts

It's Easter. It's 3:15 AM and I'm in my most familiar places. Alone on my couch. Being that's it's Easter, my thoughts have turned to God. Truth is if there is someone out there looking down and judging, what would He think of me? Am I a good person? Am I everything that I can be? Because from here I feel like an epic failure. Divorce? check. Engage in Adultery? Check. Covet thy neighbor's wife? CHECK. I've made so many horrible decisions in life in the pursuit of love. I'm led by my desire to be happy, yet I'm farther from happiness than I've ever been. I'll never be "the one" to anybody. I'll never be the center of anybody's world. I can be someone on the side. Or someone's backup plan. Or someone to use until something better comes along. I'm a supporting actor, not a leading man. A side dish, not the main course. A stepping stone, or someone to pass the time. I'm a good time. But something serious or permanent? Never. Maybe it's because I fall for the people who are in need. I try to help people that are down and upset. I prop them back up, and then they have the confidence to find someone they truly care about. I am the prototypical rebound guy. That's apparently all I'm worth. And I don't know how to fix it. I'm so scared. Scared that I missed something somewhere. Scared that my best days are behind and I'll never find that special someone, or if I did that I screwed it up. I'm 37 years old. I have no money, I'm divorced. My job sucks. I have no kids, no girlfriend, no friend that I can trust enough to tell my secrets. Nobody who views me as their somebody special. I'm so sick of getting blown off for someone else. Sick of no responses to text messages. Sick of being made to feel unimportant. I swear I'm so close to leaving it all behind and going away. Stop talking to anyone. No one would really notice, and those that did would be relieved. I just want to matter to SOMEONE. I want that feeling that happens in movies, and I want that person to feel the same. But I've realized that it's way too much to ask. At least for me. I feel like I'm drowning in quicksand reaching out for help, but everyone else has better things to do to get involved. So I'll just stay there until there's no way out. Maybe it's my destiny to be alone. Not everyone gets the fairy tale. And the truth is, at this point I'm too jaded and cynical to ever let someone in enough to fall in love anyway. So it's another holiday alone. Suppose I should get used to it...