I'm just so irate that I need to write. I just don't get it. Why does she just treat me like a piece of garbage. Like an annoyance. Tonight we fought. I mean a yelling, screaming argument that probably had been bottled up for awhile. Truth is, I don't want to fight with her. I never have. I just get so frustrated. Everyone and everything is more important than me, and it's so infuriating. Yet I still didn't want to fight. Or maybe I did. I don't know. I really just want to explain myself. To try and talk through whatever problems we have. But she's so confrontational. Pissed off. Looking for any reason to jump down my throat. I don't know why. I just want to say STOP already! I don't want to fight. I don't want any of this. But she's yelling and I have to yell over her to be heard. So now it's a shouting match. It's all so stupid. She decided one day she needed time away. No explanation. And she expects me to understand. Well I didn't understand. I still don't. I just wanted to sit like mature individuals and discuss it. Instead we argue like immature idiots. Whatever we had, the "spark" or "electricity" or whatever it is has gone and it's been replaced by uneasiness and anger. It's so sad. Because we could have been great. Maybe we both sabotaged it because we don't know how to be happy. We'd rather it go to shit so we have something to complain about. But I don't think so. I just know that if I had to choose between how we were and how we are, I'd pick the past everytime. She says I ruined it, that I pushed her away. If she truly feels that way, then that's unfortunate. I disagree. I feel she pulled away, and I dealt with it wrong. If she just would have given us a chance, none of this would have happened. But none of it matters now. Between the two of us we took something perfect and tainted it. Ate the apple in the Garden of Eden and ruined perfection. Shame on us. Because that feeling and finding that person comes once in a lifetime. And we fucked it up. I don't know how to get it back. I don't know how to even get back to a place where she even wants a friendship. How can that be? We told each other so much and cared so deeply for each other. But everytime I try to make an effort to get any of it back, it backfires and gets worse. I don't know what to do. I get so mad everytime she walks past me and acts like I'm not there. I can't give her space, I see her every day! Can't talk through it, she doesn't want or care to talk. I'm helpless. And I don't understand how this all got so hard. She acts so differently. She makes it awkward. I hate her right now, and I hate that I hate her. I just want one more chance. One more night alone. Get a drink or go to dinner. And just go back to being the people we've always been. Cut through all this bullshit. And if it's not there anymore or we're bored, it's over. If it isn't, then forget this last month and let's get back to being the "us" that we've always should have been. But I can't make her, and the fact that she doesn't want to speaks volumes. There's just so many feelings going through me right now. Anger that she can throw it all away. Sorrow that we've ruined my chance at happiness. Fear that I'll forever be scared to let anyone in again, since this was such a miserable failure. But mostly I feel numb. I feel empty, like there's a void back in me that she used to fill. I feel confused, wondering how I could have saved it if I could at all. I just want to wake up and have the last couple months be just a bad dream. Because there used to be a time when I couldn't wait to wake up and go to work, just to see her and see what the day would bring. Knowing full well it would be amazing, even if we did nothing. Now I wake up dreading getting out of bed, because I have to see her and I know it's going to end horribly. It's the worst feeling I can ever imagine. How did it get this bad? God I hate it...