Vacation

I've really been having a good 2010. I've been really trying to keep a positive attitude, and stay away from the self-loathing and cynicism that has consumed my life for much of the last few months. The negativity wasn't helping, in fact it made me hate myself. And for the most part it's worked. I found a girl that I care about, work is going well, and life is going how I would hope. However, the last week my attitude is starting to waver. I don't want it to, but I've had a bad week or so and it's starting to affect my mood. First of all I got sick. I mean like can't get out of bed, shaking in the middle of the night, plus EVERYTHING in the nyquil commercial sick. And it made me sad. Not because I didn't feel well. But because I get really needy when I'm sick. And I missed having someone. A LOT. When I think about being alone, I'm generally ok, but there are times when I just want someone to take care of, and who will take care of me. I'm kind of a mess by myself. There were so many times when I wanted to reach for the phone and make a call, only to hang up because I knew there was nobody who wanted to take that phone call. And that made me sad. .. That was followed by vacation. I have a week off with nothing to do. Now most people would LOVE this. Not me. I hate it. Hate alone time. I think too much. About mistakes I've made, about how I could have done things differently. About how I've messed up so many things in my life. This is why I'm a workaholic. Doesn't leave time for these thoughts to creep into my head. Don't want them there. I just want to be so consumed with work that it will become my focus, not this other stuff. I don't like all this time to myself. I need a vacation from my vacation. ... i know this will pass, it usually does, but I can't help feeling nostalgic and longing for a simpler time. When I knew what I wanted, when I knew there was somebody that wanted me. There was no confusion. No wondering. I miss it. And now I cant wait for my vacation to be over so I can stop thinking and start doing. Get my mind off stuff. Save myself from myself...

Signs in Music?

I've always had a great appreciation for music. People closest to me may not believe me, because I generally don't share this. Hell, I even listen to sportstalk radio in the car. But the power of music is undeniable. It can transform your mood, or take you back to a time you otherwise wouldn't have thought about. I like to take it one step further. I believe there are signs in music. I know it sounds corny, but just about every girl I've come across I have a song attributed to. I don't pick it, it just kind of finds me. Did you ever notice that the song on the radio always seems to relate to YOUR life in some way? Just weird. Anyway, the point of all this is that after I broke up with my girlfriend, I heard this song. It's by Adam Lambert. These are the lyrics:



Hey, slow it down
What do you want from me?
What do you want from me?

Yeah, I'm afraid
What do you want from me?
What do you want from me?

There might have been a time
When I would give myself away
Oh, once upon a time
I didn't give a damn

But now, here we are
So, What do you want from me?

Just don't give up
I'm working it out
Please don't give in
I won't let you down
It messed me up
Need a second to breathe
Just keep coming around
Hey, what do you want from me?
What do you want from me?

Yeah, it's plain to see
Baby you're beautiful
There's nothing wrong with you

It's me, I'm a freak
But thanks for loving me
"Cause you're doing it perfectly

Yeah, there might have been a time
When i would let you slip away
I wouldn't even try
But I think you could save my life!

So, just don't give up
I'm working it out
Please don't give in
I won't let you down
It messed me up
Need a second to breathe
Just keep coming around
What do you want from me?
I won't let you down.....

Now normally I wouldn't post song lyrics. But these have particular meaning. I mean, Adam Lambert isn't exactly my genre. But the words kind of spoke to me. At the time, I really thought (hoped/wished?) that these were the thoughts running through her head. I thought the move out here and living together "messed her up" or that she got scared. I really talked myself into believing she just needed some time ("a second to breathe") and not to give up on her. On us. I ws convinced that she would work out all the anxieties and let her walls down eventually, she just wasn't ready. And I decided I would wait and not give up on her. I would keep coming around, and she wouldn't let me down.....
Well, time moves on and it becomes apparent that once again I am retarded and I try to find something that clearly isn't there. And the only answer to "what do you want from me?" is probably "not a whole lot". So I was then convinced that I'm an idiot, and looking for signs had clearly been a dead end. But then she came back into my life. By "she" I mean the girl I've been spending time with now. The words apply to our relationship in such an unbelievable way. Our relationship has been a see-saw of reaching out and pulling away. We're never quite ready to give in, but never quite ready to go away. And hopefully we'll figure it out. Because for the first time in a long while, I've been smiling again....
This is not to say that I've lost any feeling for Megan. She truly is an amazing person. And I still am a sucker for her smile. Makes me melt every time. Makes me think I could love her forever. Trouble is, when we're together, there's not much smiling anymore, and that's sad. With this one, there may be a real chance at something, or a real chance at nothing. I just don't know. What I do know is that I'm ready to find out. And hopefully for better or worse, the question "what do you want from me?" will (finally?) have an answer......

Two Roads

Robert Frost wrote a poem called the road less travelled. In it he states that he took the road less travelled and that "has made all the difference". This is an extremely powerful poem, and particularly poignant to me. Because I have had that fork in the road. Many times I suppose, but one in particular stands out. It was about 7 years ago and I was dating a certain girl. Now my girlfriend had it all. She was in graduate school. She was building a life, not just hanging out living day by day like the usual people I come across typically. Especially in the restaurant business. She had a plan. She knew what she wanted. Had it all figured out. She had a family that loved me, and she was always pushing me to better myself. (A fact that I found cumbersome, yet happy that someone found me capable) Point is, she was everything I would want from someone I'd want to spend a lifetime with. And then I meet this other girl. She is nothing I would want from a future mate. She wanted to be an actress, she was more interested in partying and playing the field than planning for a future. She didn't know what she wanted, and wasn't sure she cared to know. But she had that something. We had chemistry. She GOT me. Got my humor (sometimes made the same joke at the same time). We had an obvious physical attraction. And we were so alike on so many levels it was downright scary. So I'm at a crossroads. What do I do? Do I follow my head and make the "smart" decision? Or do I follow my heart and see where this obvious connection leads? Well, to make a long story short, after a number of fights, heartbreaks, and sleepless nights. I went with my head. I married the "safe" choice. Because I knew she'd be loyal, and more importantly, I thought she would be "good for me". She'd push me to be better, and make me a better man. I could start my family and live moderately happy ever after. And THAT has made all the difference. It pretty much sabotaged the next 1/2 decade. With it came a move to Jersey, endless bickering, and even some nasty fights. The inevitable divorce soon followed....
So why is this relevant now? Because I've recently been reacquainted with the 2nd girl. We're both older, and a little more grownup. But it's all still there. The feelings that were swept under the rug have pretty much resurfaced. I mean how many times do you get a 2nd chance to make the right decision? We've spent a couple days together and haven't missed a beat. And I will forever wonder what would have happened had I taken "the road less travelled". Maybe it would have blown up because the timing was wrong or we weren't mature enough yet. Maybe it would have been amazing and I'd be 7 years farther along in what could be incredible. I don't know. What I do know is that I've wasted enough time already. I've constantly gone for the girl that was safe, that couldn't hurt me. They love me too much, or they're so nice, they couldn't possibly break my heart. And then they do. So I'm ready to take the chance now. Don't have any more time to lose. I just hope it's not too late. I know she feels it too, she's said so in so many ways. But this time, SHE has the boyfriend who is stable and secure and is the obvious safe choice. I fear since she's so much like me she'll make the same mistakes I did and I'll be alone....again. Would serve me right. ..