Vacation

I've really been having a good 2010. I've been really trying to keep a positive attitude, and stay away from the self-loathing and cynicism that has consumed my life for much of the last few months. The negativity wasn't helping, in fact it made me hate myself. And for the most part it's worked. I found a girl that I care about, work is going well, and life is going how I would hope. However, the last week my attitude is starting to waver. I don't want it to, but I've had a bad week or so and it's starting to affect my mood. First of all I got sick. I mean like can't get out of bed, shaking in the middle of the night, plus EVERYTHING in the nyquil commercial sick. And it made me sad. Not because I didn't feel well. But because I get really needy when I'm sick. And I missed having someone. A LOT. When I think about being alone, I'm generally ok, but there are times when I just want someone to take care of, and who will take care of me. I'm kind of a mess by myself. There were so many times when I wanted to reach for the phone and make a call, only to hang up because I knew there was nobody who wanted to take that phone call. And that made me sad. .. That was followed by vacation. I have a week off with nothing to do. Now most people would LOVE this. Not me. I hate it. Hate alone time. I think too much. About mistakes I've made, about how I could have done things differently. About how I've messed up so many things in my life. This is why I'm a workaholic. Doesn't leave time for these thoughts to creep into my head. Don't want them there. I just want to be so consumed with work that it will become my focus, not this other stuff. I don't like all this time to myself. I need a vacation from my vacation. ... i know this will pass, it usually does, but I can't help feeling nostalgic and longing for a simpler time. When I knew what I wanted, when I knew there was somebody that wanted me. There was no confusion. No wondering. I miss it. And now I cant wait for my vacation to be over so I can stop thinking and start doing. Get my mind off stuff. Save myself from myself...