Fail!

I guess I just can't get out of my own way. I know the right things to do, but refuse to do them. I try and be the good person, and it blows up in my face. I don't know what's going on. I wish I did. But everything I say turns into a fight. A one way fight mind you, but a fight nonetheless. Everything I do or say gets twisted. There's so much on my mind that I don't say, yet somehow I get in trouble for talking too much. She got mad at me today, because when she was obviously angry, I tried to cheer her up and asked what was wrong? I used to always say and do the right thing, now I always say and do the wrong thing. She's pushing me away. Won't let me in. And I can't figure out if it's because she's afraid of being close or if she just doesn't want me close at all. I just wish she would just be real, open up and say the truth. I don't care what that truth is, just as long as it's real. Say you'd prefer your husband. Say you want someone else. Say you want me, but want me to wait. ANYTHING! Saying nothing at all means I have to try to figure it out myself, and I don't have any answers. But if I ask, I'm starting a fight. I almost wish she'd tell me there was someone else. It would destroy me, but at least it would explain cutting me out of her life in so many ways. Right now I'm left wondering what the hell happened...
PS- I'm so disturbed that I sincerely hope that one day the 2 of us will look back and read this post and have a big laugh. Yeah, I need therapy

What a difference a week makes!

What a difference a week makes! A week ago, I had delusions of grandeur. I saw the light at the end of the dark tunnel. I thought the fairy tale could actually happen. I saw a way to be truly happy, and it was standing right in front of me. But then just as quickly, I saw the rug pulled out from under me. She makes the choice that I so dreaded to hear. She wants space to figure out her situation. Me, in my typical cynical fashion, has taken that to mean she doesn't want me anymore. Things have become different. She's been distant, she won't see me outside of work, and I only make it worse. I've been a jerk, trying to convince her to see me, thinking if we could just spend time together, I could make it all alright. That she would see what we could be together if she'd just let it happen. And she gets frustrated even mad at me. I don't know what happened to make her flip the switch, but she has. And it is killing me. I want to fix it, but it's like water in a sponge. The harder I try to hold onto it, the more leaves. So I know I need to back off and let her situation run it's course. But it's so hard. I mean how do you ignore the one thing that makes you feel whole? When you see someone that you've been waiting your whole life for, do you just let her go? I know it's the right thing to do, but I'm having so much trouble. All I want to do is see her. Make her smile. Be the person she's always wanted, and fight like hell to make her happy every single day. But she needs time, so if I love her as much as I say I should give it to her. I just wish to God it bothered her half as much as it's bothering me. That she wants to call me like I want to call her. That she wants to be laying on the couch with me as much as I want her there. But I'm not sure she does. A week ago, I knew she did. Now I'm not sure. She tells me to give up on her, live my life. How can I when my life is empty without her. I hang out with other girls and it seems silly. I know I'm wasting my time. The only person I want to be with is the one person that I can't have anymore. And I have to see her everyday. I don't know if that's good or bad. Everyday I wake up and I long to see her, but when she's distant it only adds to the anguish. I'm a mess. This girl has gotten to me deeper than I ever thought anyone could. And I have to hold everything back. Ugh. Ok. On to work. Closing with her tonight. Hoping for a good day, expecting to get upset. Seems like a never ending theme. Well no matter what, at least I had an amazing few months, and I know what it means to truly love. Just wish it was last week again....

Good News, Bad News

Wow. Has it been 8 months? I guess that's good, means I haven't been so miserable about something that I felt the need to write it down. My life has been a roller coaster ride. Got "promoted" to Bar manager, switched stores and opened up a brand new restaurant. But the most interesting part is this: I've met the girl of my dreams. The girl I was meant to be with. The girl that is everything I have ever wanted in someone. A girl that can make me smile with her eyes, laugh with her smile, and make my heart leap with a kiss. We've spent the last couple of months together basically everyday, and the more I learn, the more I like. She collects coins (though she thinks it's corny), she writes poetry (though she won't show it to me), she sings disney songs. She makes me believe in every fairy tale romance I've ever read. Believe that love is possible (a difficult task considering my universal cynicism). When I'm with her, time stands still. And I never want it to end. I've never felt this way. I've been in love, incredibly deeply, but not like this. This is different. It's like when you hear someone tell a story and they say they KNEW they absolutely HAD to be with someone. It's like that. I have daydreams of having a family, of getting remarried (never thought that was possible) and doing all of the corny things I scoffed at in the past. So why is this titled "good news, bad news"? Because I can't be with her. She's taken. And as many times as she looks me in the eye and says I love you, it doesn't matter. Because she's with someone. I wrote months ago of a tale of two paths, one safe and the other a risk. In this situation, I'm the risk. I'm the one who she'd have to take a leap of faith with. And I'm really scared that she won't. And that will kill me. I know she'd be happy with me, I'd spend every day making sure of it. Yet she's hesitant. I don't know if it's a lack of faith in me, or she doesn't want to deal with leaving her present situation. I just know that it feels so right when we're together, and life seems perfect when she's in my arms. I never want that feeling to go away. But I can't make her pick me, and the more I try, the more she pushes me away. I'm going to keep my fingers crossed and pray this works out, because it's really all I can do. But I have this feeling in the pit of my stomach that it won't, and I'll probably be hoping my entire life...