Just got home after a long night. A night that started out well, but ended with a thud. I hung out with some friends and had a really nice time. Had a few drinks and was ready to call it a night. Then I did something stupid. I met up with her. Now to me, this is never something that I would categorize as stupid. I mean I love hanging out with her. Always have. But tonight was different. Tonight I was made to feel like a piece of shit. Basically it was insinuated that the times we were together were for the most part one-sided. She never wanted them, she relented. Is it possible I could have misread a situation so badly? Did I really coerce her into something she didn't want to do? I really am garbage. I don't deserve her or anyone else. I honestly have never felt so unwanted. So irrelevant. So low. I was under the impression that all these feelings are mutual, that the only things standing in our way are her commitments. Now I'm starting to see that it's much more than that. I shouldn't have to constantly seduce and try to convince her or anyone else to do something. I need to find someone that wants me, is dying to kiss me, can't control her thoughts and actions around me. She used to be that person, or so I thought. Now it seems as though I am and will forever be someone she has clearly affixed in the rear view mirror, if I am important enough to be placed at all. I am so sorry for the harm and guilt I've caused. I just really thought that we were bigger than all of this. But in reality I was a fling that she wants to rid herself of. And I've just been too stubborn to let her. So as painful as this all is, I can't be that asshole anymore. Everyone's been right about me. I am a jerk. I am so dumb. Why would I ever think that she could want and love me like that? Well she won't have to worry. Since our trip to Atlantic City I haven't made a pass at her, and I don't intend to ever again. I'll keep my distance physically until I get some sign suggesting differently. I sure she won't miss it or even notice. In fact, she'll probably be thankful. And the world will be a happier place. Except of course for me. Happy Valentine's Day....