To be perfectly honest, I have no idea what to write today. I have no clue what to say, I only know that I had to write SOMETHING. My head is so clouded with thoughts, ranging all over the place. I has no beginning, middle, and end. Just a potpourri of questions, doubts, concerns, and uncertainties fill my ever-active brain. So, in the interest of sorting it all out, I tried to take everything one by one, but it seems impossible. It's as if everything is intertwined, nothing is independent of anything else. The truth is I'm just so confused. With everything. I'm so disappointed in my "friends", so upset about my "relationship" status, and so much in doubt of my abilities to do my job. I don't know if my job has negatively affected my relationship/friendships. Or if my "relationship" is affecting my ability to do my job. Or if my friendships play a part in screwing up my relationships. Or any other combination of the 3. I just feel like every facet of my life is kind of screwed up. I don't know how to fix any of it. Every day I feel like the gap between what life is and what I want it to be gets farther and farther apart. And I feel helpless. The more I try to change that, the worse it gets. I feel like everything I do is wrong. In my personal AND professional life. Can't I get anything right? I'm not even mad, I'm just so frustrated. I want SOMETHING to work out for me. If I'm a failure at my job, can't I at least have the girl? If I can't have the girl, or the job, Can't I have friends that I can lean on and talk to about it? Nope. I've been on vacation for six(ugh) days now and I've barely gotten out of bed. The only times I've gotten up were the first day in Atlantic City, when I had one last reminder of how great things could be if I ever got a chance, and to go to work because another thing in my department got fucked up. Six months ago my I really thought I was turning a corner. I started to get good at my job (or so I thought), I had a million friends who I regularly talked to, and I was really getting to know the most amazing girl I've ever met. And somewhere things got fucked up. I don't know where I went wrong. Maybe I'm just not meant to be happy for very long. But I'm not happy now. I'm constantly searching/grasping for something to hold onto. I feel like I'm trying to improve everything in my life. But everytime I try to open a door, I feel like there's a brick wall on the other side. I just want to be successful at some aspect of life. Can't I be good at my job? I put the time in, and work so fucking hard. Or can't I be with the person I love? I try so hard to show her we belong together. Or at least can't I have good friends? I try so hard to be there for my friends when they need me. Is it too much to ask the same in return? Guess so. On all counts. Somehow, I've screwed this all up. I'm not good enough. I fall short. At everything. And I'm just stupid enough to believe that will ever change. Shame on me. Well not anymore. I've resigned myself to believing that there is no light at the end of the tunnel for me. It's all hopeless. She'll never be mine, I'll never get promoted, and I'll never have anyone I can count on. So where do I go from here? What do you do when you have no hope? Nothing to strive for, no carrot to chase after, no brass ring. What's the next step when you're at a dead end, and you can't go back to where you came from? I have no idea. I hate this feeling of helplessness. I feel empty. And I don't have any delusions/expectations that it will change. It's too bad. I always felt I had a lot to give..