January 27, 2005 was one of the saddest days I've ever experienced. That was the day that my fiancees mother passed away. It was a long struggle, certainly not a shock. She had been battling cancer on and off for years. I saw this disease take it's toll on her and emotionally upon her only daughter. So obviously, when January 27th comes, my thoughts turn to her, and her daughter (now my ex-wife). I had many conversations with her, some good, some not so good. But I distinctly remember one conversation. It was near the end, she looked at me. She knew her time was limited, and she told me she just wanted to know that her baby was going to be taken care of. And I promised her I would be there for Carla forever. And every January 27th I remember those words and I hate myself. I feel like I failed her. That I let her down. Truth is, I can't make sure her daughter's cared for. I can't be what she needed me to be. And I hate myself for it. Sometimes I feel so selfish for leaving. Sometimes I feel like I did her a favor. I mean isn't it better to walk away than continue to make her miserable? I mean should I continue a path which would never lead to happiness, just because I said so? Truth is, I sometimes think she looks down on me and is so disappointed. I'm a complete failure. I let her down with Carla. My life is in disarray. I have no friends. No one who will be there for me the way I need them. I'm horrible at my job. I'll never get ahead. My bosses think I suck. My finances are a joke. My love life is beyond messed up. Every day I want to apologize to her and anyone that's ever put their faith in me, because obviously I'm not worthy of it. I'm a 37 year old, broke, divorced person with a dead-end job destined to live and die alone. I guess that's punishment enough for me. So I'm sorry, Mom. I didn't mean it. Your daughter deserved better and I hope she finds it, if she hasn't already. And as for me. Well, let's just say I'll never again make promises I can't keep...

I had this whole concept of what I was going to write today. Say all the things I feel. How I feel cheated. How I feel taken for granted. How my life was not supposed to end up this way. But as I opened this up, I just lost my will. It just doesn't matter. I'm so sick of sitting on my couch, or my bed, and saying the same shit. And writing any of it isn't making me feel any better. I'm done. I have to be. The truth of the matter is that I deserve to be alone. I deserve to be taken for granted. I deserve to be lonely. My life is supposed to end up this way. Because I choose to fuck my life up. I'm a fucking dreamer. I think that this amazing person would throw her life into chaos for me? How stupid is that? I think I can take these impossible situations and make them work. I'm so dumb. I just can't stop myself. So forget it. Maybe tomorrow....

C+

As I lay here, I'm thinking about a conversation I recently had with my ex-wife. In a nutshell, it came down to this: She is unhappy with her current boyfriend. He is unwilling to take their relationship to the next level. She wonders whether she should leave or compromise and be ok with less than what she wants, for it's better than being alone. We talked about this (knowing too well the irony) and my response was this:
There are basically 2 ways to go through life. The first way is a C+ life. What I mean by this is a life where you are never take chances. No risk, but no reward. You will always be ok. Average. You will not fail at anything, but you will never truly succeed either. Just go through life, never get hurt and be marginally ok. This way is so unappealing to me. I mean is that really living? But to some this is fine, because the chance of being hurt is too much to risk for an opportunity to be truly happy. I mean no one wants to fail, right? And I mean who wants to grow old alone? So maybe you want to settle for mediocrity and ensure at least a modicum of happiness.
The second way is the all or nothing way. You risk it all for a chance to get it all. If you want something, you go for it. You put it all on the line, you give it your best shot, but leave yourself vulnerable to disappointment and failure. This can lead to getting everything or nothing, with tremendous highs and lows. I told her she had to decide which person she was and act accordingly. Did she want to risk having nothing and be alone for the chance to find someone who wants the same things? Or should she stay with this guy who she cares about, and compromise what she wants out of life? I make it sound simple, but it's not easy. Being alone and taking a leap of faith is difficult. No one wants to take a leap and fall flat on their face. It hurts too much. So either way is fine for her, she just needed to figure out which way to go.
What I didn't say is that for me, there's no debate at all. No question. I'm the person who will risk it all for what I want because for me, doing otherwise isn't an option. I want everything, and I'll be damned if I ever look back on my life with regret that I didn't do everything in my power to be truly happy. I never give up on it, sometimes to a fault. Yes, I've failed. Countless times. Yes, I probably push too hard and it becomes counter-productive. But at the end of the day, I can look at myself in the mirror and say I tried. I gave it my best shot. Maybe it's not good enough. Maybe I don't deserve it. Maybe I do end up alone. Maybe I spend too much time way too miserable because of it. But I'll never regret it, because if and when it works out, it will all be worth it. And if that never happens, I won't wonder what if. I can honestly say I've put it all out on the line and fought to be happy. And for that I'm not sorry. Because I've had more amazing moments this way than I ever could hope for, with hopes of a lifetime more to come. But that depends on wheteher someone else is willing to take the same chance. And she's not yet. Hope she comes around. But if she doesn't at least I did all I could. I'll just be sorry it wasn't enough.

Last night was the first time I ever wrote out of anger. Usually when I write, I think about what I want to say and how to articulate it. It comes from the heart, but what I say is polished. Last night was raw. Didn't think, just wrote what was going through my head, right or wrong. Honestly, it felt good! I think I held that inside for far too long. I'm always so apologetic for being angry. Am I not allowed to be? I mean I'm not angry at her or anybody. It's not her fault she doesn't feel what I feel. That she's not beating herself up like I am. But can't I be angry about that. It bothers me that I went from where I was to where I am. When she leaves me, it hurts. And it makes me mad that it has to be that way. I know I have to wait for her to "figure shit out on her own", but that terrifies me. For a couple reasons. First, I'm afraid she'll forget about me. She can have anyone, why me? I mean I think we have incredible chemistry, but will time apart mess that up? Can you get it back? I just don't know. And secondly, I don't want to let go. Because I love the feeling of loving her. I mean the feeling or really loving someone. It's such an amazing feeling. I don't want to lose it just to be with someone who will never measure up. I want what I want. And when I know, I don't want a cheap substitute. I want it all. I want the fairy tale, the happily ever after. Mostly I just want her love. Today, tomorrow, and for as long as she'll let me. But it looks like it won't be today, tomorrow's looking bleak, and anytime ever is a bit of a longshot. Might as well find a way to live with it. But it will always suck, and I will always hate it. So I'm mad. Sue me....

I hate this. Every solitary second I'm alone, I feel I'm wasting time. I shouldn't be here. I should be happy, not with these feelings of self-pity. I can't believe this all went to shit. Last night I'm kissing the most amazing person in the world and today, I'm irrelevant. I'm an unfortunate situation. I hear "I'm sorry I can't be what you need me to be" and I just want to shake her and say "YES you can! Make it happen! But I can't make her want it. Or want it enough. She doesn't want the confrontation. She is afraid. What she isn't is willing to take a risk and chance being happy. And where does that leave me. On the outside looking in, constantly looking for some sign that it's going to change. I want her so badly. I want to touch her. I want to feel her body against mine. Forever. And it won't happen. And it sucks. And it makes me so mad that I'm helpless to do anything about it. Why can't she see it too. We deserve to be together. Why should we both be miserable apart. Where's the honor in that? How does that make any amount of sense. Why am I so tortured? Why send the perfect person my way and then make it so impossible? I am so angry she won't let it happen. I feel like I'm not good enough. I feel used. I feel so stupid for thinking there was that glimmer of hope. This is fucking bullshit. I want to die, because I'll never be happy without her. And I know how stupid it is to rely on another for happiness. But it's her. And she's the one. But it's not to be. Why would I ever think differently........

End of the Era

I'm home. It's midnight. I hate being alone this early. I'm drunk and my mind, as it does ever so often, is centered on the wrong girl. Well not the wrong girl, but the girl I can't have. Well I'm tired of it. I sabotage every "relationship" I have by being so consumed by it. I can't force the issue, I need to let things happen as they are intended. All I seem to do is push and whine when it doesn't work out. I've become a sad pathetic mess. Who could ever fall in love with that? I need to suck it up, grow up, and let things happen instead of pushing. I need to start being the person that people are initially attracted to, not the person that drives them away. If things are meant to happen, they will. But they definitely won't if all I do is sit around and cry about it. I need to come to terms with the fact that there's a REALLY good chance it will never happen. So I need to be ok with that. I can want what I want, but I can't sulk when I don't get my way. I'm not 8 years old. It's time to be the Dan I want to be and other people can like, or at least respect. So I am giving up. I'm moving on. Not onto anyone else, just with myself. I need to find the person I'm proud of. One that isn't angry all the time. Not frustrated, not on the verge of losing it. It's not that hard. I can do it...