I hate this. Every solitary second I'm alone, I feel I'm wasting time. I shouldn't be here. I should be happy, not with these feelings of self-pity. I can't believe this all went to shit. Last night I'm kissing the most amazing person in the world and today, I'm irrelevant. I'm an unfortunate situation. I hear "I'm sorry I can't be what you need me to be" and I just want to shake her and say "YES you can! Make it happen! But I can't make her want it. Or want it enough. She doesn't want the confrontation. She is afraid. What she isn't is willing to take a risk and chance being happy. And where does that leave me. On the outside looking in, constantly looking for some sign that it's going to change. I want her so badly. I want to touch her. I want to feel her body against mine. Forever. And it won't happen. And it sucks. And it makes me so mad that I'm helpless to do anything about it. Why can't she see it too. We deserve to be together. Why should we both be miserable apart. Where's the honor in that? How does that make any amount of sense. Why am I so tortured? Why send the perfect person my way and then make it so impossible? I am so angry she won't let it happen. I feel like I'm not good enough. I feel used. I feel so stupid for thinking there was that glimmer of hope. This is fucking bullshit. I want to die, because I'll never be happy without her. And I know how stupid it is to rely on another for happiness. But it's her. And she's the one. But it's not to be. Why would I ever think differently........