Last night was the first time I ever wrote out of anger. Usually when I write, I think about what I want to say and how to articulate it. It comes from the heart, but what I say is polished. Last night was raw. Didn't think, just wrote what was going through my head, right or wrong. Honestly, it felt good! I think I held that inside for far too long. I'm always so apologetic for being angry. Am I not allowed to be? I mean I'm not angry at her or anybody. It's not her fault she doesn't feel what I feel. That she's not beating herself up like I am. But can't I be angry about that. It bothers me that I went from where I was to where I am. When she leaves me, it hurts. And it makes me mad that it has to be that way. I know I have to wait for her to "figure shit out on her own", but that terrifies me. For a couple reasons. First, I'm afraid she'll forget about me. She can have anyone, why me? I mean I think we have incredible chemistry, but will time apart mess that up? Can you get it back? I just don't know. And secondly, I don't want to let go. Because I love the feeling of loving her. I mean the feeling or really loving someone. It's such an amazing feeling. I don't want to lose it just to be with someone who will never measure up. I want what I want. And when I know, I don't want a cheap substitute. I want it all. I want the fairy tale, the happily ever after. Mostly I just want her love. Today, tomorrow, and for as long as she'll let me. But it looks like it won't be today, tomorrow's looking bleak, and anytime ever is a bit of a longshot. Might as well find a way to live with it. But it will always suck, and I will always hate it. So I'm mad. Sue me....