January 27, 2005 was one of the saddest days I've ever experienced. That was the day that my fiancees mother passed away. It was a long struggle, certainly not a shock. She had been battling cancer on and off for years. I saw this disease take it's toll on her and emotionally upon her only daughter. So obviously, when January 27th comes, my thoughts turn to her, and her daughter (now my ex-wife). I had many conversations with her, some good, some not so good. But I distinctly remember one conversation. It was near the end, she looked at me. She knew her time was limited, and she told me she just wanted to know that her baby was going to be taken care of. And I promised her I would be there for Carla forever. And every January 27th I remember those words and I hate myself. I feel like I failed her. That I let her down. Truth is, I can't make sure her daughter's cared for. I can't be what she needed me to be. And I hate myself for it. Sometimes I feel so selfish for leaving. Sometimes I feel like I did her a favor. I mean isn't it better to walk away than continue to make her miserable? I mean should I continue a path which would never lead to happiness, just because I said so? Truth is, I sometimes think she looks down on me and is so disappointed. I'm a complete failure. I let her down with Carla. My life is in disarray. I have no friends. No one who will be there for me the way I need them. I'm horrible at my job. I'll never get ahead. My bosses think I suck. My finances are a joke. My love life is beyond messed up. Every day I want to apologize to her and anyone that's ever put their faith in me, because obviously I'm not worthy of it. I'm a 37 year old, broke, divorced person with a dead-end job destined to live and die alone. I guess that's punishment enough for me. So I'm sorry, Mom. I didn't mean it. Your daughter deserved better and I hope she finds it, if she hasn't already. And as for me. Well, let's just say I'll never again make promises I can't keep...