Confusion

I never wanted this blog to be about my ex. Wallowing in self-pity has never quite been my style. Hell, I re-read what I write and sometimes even I think I'm pathetic. But I just need to get something off my chest. I read her blog, from 2007 until the present, basically the entire length of our relationship. It made me really sad. Not the sappy, nostalgic kind of sad. Because that would be ok. I like to torture myself that way. But rather in a way that left me utterly confused. They say there are 3 sides to every story: His, hers and the truth. I guess that's true, that it's all a matter of perspective. But sometimes I wondered if we were even in the same room. I read about a time where we had a really deep conversation. I came away feeling we really connected and that I helped her understand some things about herself. I read the blog and she says it made her feel lost. And it made me wonder. Maybe I'm misrepresenting the entire relationship. Made I thought we were happy in Jersey, but in reality she was bored, killing time, wishing she could be someone else, with someone else. I just don't know. I know she would never tell me, she's not that cruel. I just don't understand. She says she hates herself, but can't be with me because it makes her try to be someone she's not. Now correct me if I'm wrong, but if you loathe yourself, wouldn't you WANT to be something your not? I just don't get it. Maybe I never will. Maybe she's pushing me away because she sees a real chance at being happy and that scares the shit out of her. Or maybe she is pushing me away because she just doesn't love me anymore. I don't even know if she knows. What I do know is the more we try to explain ourselves, the less I feel like I know. Reading the blog from the first year of our relationship was like a small dagger in my heart. There were so many thoughts and things going on there that I didn't know existed. It opened my eyes to the fact that I need to reevaluate myself and my relationships with people. I just want all the answers, all the mysteries and secrets revealed. All the layers peeled away so all that's left is the naked truth. No bullshit. It could help me to know if I need to move on, or fight for what I thought(think?) was worth fighting for...