Today was the most interesting of days. I go to work like any other day. Things are going fine, and then I get hit with a complete shit storm. Apparently the fiance of a friend of mine at work is convinced that I'm hooking up with her. Now I am NOT hooking up with her. In fact, one of the main reasons I opened up to her in the first place was because there wasn't a threat since she's ENGAGED! And 98% of what we talk about concerns my want to be with my ex-girlfriend. But apparently that doesn't seem to matter since I am the scumbag of the Earth and apparently I'm just trying to get into everybody's pants. So obviously this makes me uneasy. First because there is a guy out there that wants me dead for no reason. Second, it saddens me to know that I can't even be FRIENDS with someone without things getting fucked up. It is because it's painfully clear that the people I care about the most are the people who's lives I screw up the most. I drive my girlfriend into a downward spiral into self-loathing and depression to the point of leaving the state. And now the girl who I am closest to at work has an issue that could put her marraige in jeopardy because of me. Not to mention the misery I put my ex-wife through. I hate that I get in the way of people's happiness. I really should just leave everyone alone. Focus on work and concentrate on my life without distractions or anyone to be close to. It's what's best for everyone, so I should man up and make the sacrifice for the sake of those I care about. It's time to let go....
The first step- I text my ex-girlfriend for what I really think will be the last time for awhile. I was feeling low and I just wanted to feel loved one last time. My text read "I know I shouldn't and after tonight I'll never do it again, but I just want to say I love you and goodnight". Now i know that's being lame, but all I really wanted to hear is I love you one last time before I give everyone their much needed space. Her response-"goodnight babe". Super. Guess the unintentional(perhaps) slap in the face is what I needed to hear, but it just makes me feel empty and hollow. So I guess the Teflon thing was an illusion, I've let it all get to me. Well not anymore. I'm numb. ....
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