First of many.....

I honestly have no idea why I'm writing this. I guess sometimes I need to get things out. I don't feel close enough to anyone to tell them directly (I statement that I find truly upsetting), and I don't feel secure enough to allow myself to be vulnerable. So here it is, my first blog....
Today is day 3 of A.G. (after girlfriend). Now normally this is upsetting enough. I mean when someone tells you that they "just aren't feeling it anymore" (I mean really, people SAY that?!), the blow to your self-esteem is quite enough. But the truth of the matter is that is not what makes my stomach turn. The fact of the matter is that my girlfriend was the greatest thing in the world....for about a year. She LOVED me, I was her everything. She would smile and the room would instantly light up. We would talk about everything and nothing for hours on end without a care for time or place. Everything was an adventure, and even the most mundane things seemed exciting because of the company. And she was everything I needed. And that is the person I would literally die to have in my arms today, tomorrow and forever. But the sobering fact is that girl was replaced by someone I barely know. This person looks at me as ordinary, is bored by my presence, has nothing to say, and has forgotten how to smile. Mundane things seem, well mundane, and I've become the last thing that she needs. This depresses me more than I can ever express for multiple reasons. First of all, I can't help feeling like a complete failure. I mean if I can turn those perfect, loving eyes empty, then what chance can I have with anyone. If that electric smile has been buried, why can't I make it resurface? We were absolutely perfect together. In sync, perfect harmony. She would fill in where I was void, and vice-versa. And i somehow fucked it up and I don't know how. If I can't make that work, I have no shot with anyone. Second, my thoughts turn to the fact that I will ALWAYS be alone. Girls come, girls go. They never stick around. All I want is a family. A child to watch grow, and a woman to be there by my side to watch him or her grow. I know now that will never happen and it devastates me. Everytime I see my nieces or nephew I am equally filled with complete joy, and sorrow knowing I will never have a child of my own. I feel like my last chance at that stepped out of my car door with barely a tear.
And that is why I am the black cloud. Where I am, skies are gray and threatening. The downpour is inevitable and there is no rainbow in sight. I hate myself and I hate what I do to everyone around me. I make people miserable and then they leave. The harder i try to stop it, the worse it gets. It's like a sponge, the tighter I try to hold on, the more leaves it. The only solution left is to never get close to anyone. I'll be miserable, but at least I won't drag people with me.............