Game Over

I toyed with the idea of not writing this blog, but I feel compelled to address it if for no other reason it may help me to move forward. Went to Jersey a couple of days ago to see the girl. I say the girl because I just don't know how to describe her. She has no problem referring to me as her friend or "buddy" (my favorite...ugh), but to me it doesn't feel right. Point is I know it was really stupid and I knew it was asking for trouble, but I got a call Christmas Day and we spent hours on the phone and had a really nice conversation. So I get my hopes up (again) and take the trek out there to give it one last try, and if not, spend some time with someone I truly care about. Anyway, the night went how it generally goes. We have a really nice time and then it gets fucked up and I leave upset. There was one moment that particularly stood out. We were out to dinner, and she received a text message. It was undoubtedly from her new "boyfriend". I'm sure he said something nice, the kind of thing that I felt always should be my job. What bothered me was the look she had when she saw it. She made a liitle smirk, and her eyes lit up in a way that I had hoped was reserved for only me. At that point I knew. Knew I was wasting my time. Knew there was no chance. Knew that I was clearly affixed in the rear view mirror. And my heart sank. Didn't want it to, but it did. Because I just wonder if my love has a shelf life. I feel like I'm a stepping stone. I'm the person you stay with to get over a bad relationship until something better comes along. I hate it, but I'm helpless to do anything about it. The game is over, I have no credits, I've used up all my turns and it's time to try a different game. Because that one clearly belongs to someone else now....

Merry Christmas To Me

So today is Christmas Eve (I guess techically Christmas morning). How did I spend it? On my couch all day with my cat playing guitar hero. The problem with this is that I never should have time to sit by myself. I need to be out doing stuff. Because alone time is thinking time. And I get in trouble when I think. It's why I've always been a workaholic. I hate to be alone. I think the most horrible things, I sit alone and feel sorry for myself. Think about mistakes I've made. Think of how much different my life could be if I didn't screw things up. This is not the person I like to be. This person is pathetic, a person who understandibly is alone on Christmas. Truth is, I need distractions. I need someone to make me feel good about myself. Maybe that's why I try so hard to hold onto something that clearly has left already. Maybe that's why I have so many "friends" and can't let go. And maybe it's why I try so fucking hard to please everyone, often at my own expense. Well it obviously doesn't work too well, because here I am alone. Not going to the girl's family's house for the holidays. She's moved on to someone new (Which I fucking hate, by the way). Not going to my family's house. They flew to Florida to be with my sister, you know, the child that they care about. It's just me and my cat. Honestly I just need someone to be here. Nothing romantic or sexual. Just someone to be there for me when I need it. Which is right fucking now. I need a hug, I need reassurance that I'm not a complete waste of life, and I need someone to listen to what I have to say without being judgmental or think less of me. But that person doesn't exist. Truth is, even if someone did and told me those things right now I would think they were patronizing me anyway. There is no hope, no light at the end of the tunnel. I will be alone emotionally, if not physically, forever. Merry fucking Christmas...

The Flu

I have so many thoughts running through my head that I really don't know where to begin. There is so much to talk about yet so little to say. My life has gone in so many different directions in such a short time I haven't really had time to absorb it all. But one basic thing I've learned is this. I am simply wasting my time if I attempt to get close to someone. It is simply a bad idea. And not even on my end. As not necessarily is a relationship way. It just seems like whenever I enter someone's life, their life gets worse. When I leave, it gets better. I'm like the flu. I enter, they're miserable. I leave, life is good. I just can't understand the why. I try really hard to be the best person I can. I would do anything to make people happy, yet it never works out. The last 5 girls I've talked to have had problems because of me. On one end it's my ex who was miserable with me and seems to be loving life now that I'm not around. On another end it's a girl who I become close with whose marriage becomes in jeopardy because of me. Then there's two other girls who have gotten into fights with their boyfriends because of their relationship with me. I swear I'm not trying to cause trouble. I just need a friend. And I don't have one. I just want someone to talk to without everything getting fucked up. Is that so hard? Well apparently it is, because I can't seem to get that to happen. I'm a fucking curse. I just wish it were easier to walk away and be a loner. Wish I could be content with other people's happiness despite the fact that it can only happen with me out of the picture. I hate it. I want to be the one people come to for cheering up, not be the one that brings them down. Why isn't there someone who gets me? Who I can share things with, without worrying about the inevitable misery that will follow. I need to be loved and i need attention. Yet I know it would be better for everyone if they never meet me. So should I be selfish and continue to fuck with everyone's life? Or do the right thing and stay out of everyone's way? Who knows..........

Looking Forward/Looking back

Today was the most interesting of days. It was my last day at my store (I'm transferrring for six weeks), so I really went into today thinking it would be a normal Monday, nice and easy, after which I would go home and be done with it. But life is never that easy. First of all, I had to do a shitload of work covering for my kitchen manager who's on vacation. Had no idea what I was doing, but I think I managed ok. But that wasn't even close to the most interesting part of the evening. First, I get a call from my ex-wife out of the blue. When I pick up the phone, I'm greeted with "Hi husband", which is strange since I'm not her husband anymore. She proceeds to tell me how she misses me and would like to see me before Christmas. Not that that's a mind-fuck or anything. We're still close so it's not as weird and creepy as it sounds, but still a litttle odd. Second, I didn't even hang up the phone for a minute when I get a text from my ex-girlfriend. Now she hasn't contacted me in over a week and i was pretty sure she had written me off as anything in her life. But we text back and forth and actually make plans to get together tomorrow. Ok, by this point I'm pretty sure that either God is totally fucking with my head, or I'm being punked in some way. But THEN I get a text from this girl I may have a bit of a crush on. We text back and forth and by now I'm definitely getting the feeling that it could happen. Trouble is, it's a lot like my last situation, and look how that ended up. Plus I just don't know if I'm ready to go through all that again. By this point it's just funny. It's like I was alternately reminded of where I could be going (this new girl/Kitchen manager) and where I've been (ex-wife, ex-girlfriend). My mind tells me to focus on the future, move on, move forward, leave the past in the past. Yet my heart hates giving up, and wants to fix something that probably can't be fixed because I do hate this feeling of failure that overwhelmes me. Truth of the matter is I know they both have moved on to new things and people, and I should too. I just want to be able to do it for the right reasons. Don't want to move forward to escape my past, want to move forward because there is something I want ahead of me. But if what I truly want is behind me, don't I owe it to myself to fight to make that work instead of giving up on something that was once so very real. But at the same point, it seems stupid to constantly be looking back, fighting a losing battle when there might be something better for me just up ahead. I just don't know. My head is spinning, I'm just so confused. I want someone to give me all the answers. The worst part is, whichever I choose, I know I'll wish I chose the other one. I'm just that fucked up. ....

Taurus

So I was reading about astrology the other day. Under Taurus (my sign) it said many things. One of which was-"Puts up walls and rarely lets people in, but when he does, it's for life". That kind of describes me perfectly, and I think it sucks. I need to learn how to leave people behind, because they either don't deserve how much I care for them, or they don't want me to care. I have no idea how to stop caring for people. When they hurt I want to fix it, when they're happy I want to share in it. I don't know how to fade away. I spend way too much time worrying about people who couldn't give a shit about me. It's just stupid, I hate wasting my time. Hate sending texts to get no reply. Hate bending over backwards to make people happy just to be disrespected in return. It's my fault. I give too much. I just don't know any other way. I can't just cut people out of my life. Maybe someone can teach me, I know some people who are good at it....

Mulligan

So I found out recently that I'm switching stores. It's only for 6 weeks, but it adds about 30 minutes to my commute. Initially this upset me. I mean there were so many reasons for it to bother me. Besides the commute, there was this feeling of being expendable. I mean of all the managers in the region, why am I the one that can be replaced so easily? But after re-evaluating the situation and taking the time to let it sink in, I've come to realize that maybe this isn't the worst thing after all. Maybe this is an opportunity for a fresh start, to go where no one knows me. A chance to give people a better first impression than i gave RVC. And not to fall victim of the same stupid pitfalls that have plagued my experiences so far. I can learn from these mistakes and try again, like a mulligan in golf, an occupational do-over. And hopefully this time will be better and I can bring that back to my store and be more of the person I want to be, knowing full well that time and space can undo some of my mistakes, and I can go back to being a manager I can be proud of. I know I'm good at what I do, now it's time to prove it. Again. I welcome the challenge...

Blackout

One of the amazing things about being in love is the feeling you get when you're around that person. You get goose bumps, you feel alive. Food tastes better, the sky is bluer, and little problems seem...well little. The world is a better place because they're around. The best part about BEING with someone is the electricity you feel. There's a spark, a feeling that's indescribable. Your heart races, the chemistry is undeniable, and and the excitement can be overwhelming. I say this because the saddest thing of all is the blackout. The blackout is when the electricity is shut off. No one flipped a switch, no one wants it to shut off, in fact there's a good chance you wish it would turn back on, but nothing. That's the feeling I get lately. Like I'm trying to flip the switch and turn everything back on again and feel that electricity again at least one more time. But I can't. If it's not there, I can't fake it and pretend it is. Nor can I expect her to. It's just frustrating because I miss it. I love that feeling. And maybe the reason I was such a mess was because I want the feeling back. And I want someone to have that feeling towards me again. I don't like feeling like just another person in the crowd. I want to be the one that makes someone excited. And I don't know how to get it back. Maybe I can't. Maybe I shouldn't want to. Maybe I should look for electricity in someone else's house. I just don't know. I just know that I feel empty without it..........

No apologies

I guess somewhere along the way, while wallowing in self-pity, I had a bit of a realization. I have been spending way too much time being upset because of what others think of me. I'm so sick and tired of bending over backwards trying to please everybody or to be someone that other people want me to be. Truth of the matter is, I don't want to change. Not for anybody. I like being a nice guy that would drop everything and do anything for someone I care about. I think it's a good thing that I am the person I am. And I'm starting to understand that if you don't like it, you can go fuck yourself. Tired of trying to force myself to fit into everyone else's world. It's time people tried to fit into mine. I'm not saying people always need to agree with me, but my way needs to be ok too. So here I am, for better or worse, undoubtedly me. Take it or leave it...