Game Over

I toyed with the idea of not writing this blog, but I feel compelled to address it if for no other reason it may help me to move forward. Went to Jersey a couple of days ago to see the girl. I say the girl because I just don't know how to describe her. She has no problem referring to me as her friend or "buddy" (my favorite...ugh), but to me it doesn't feel right. Point is I know it was really stupid and I knew it was asking for trouble, but I got a call Christmas Day and we spent hours on the phone and had a really nice conversation. So I get my hopes up (again) and take the trek out there to give it one last try, and if not, spend some time with someone I truly care about. Anyway, the night went how it generally goes. We have a really nice time and then it gets fucked up and I leave upset. There was one moment that particularly stood out. We were out to dinner, and she received a text message. It was undoubtedly from her new "boyfriend". I'm sure he said something nice, the kind of thing that I felt always should be my job. What bothered me was the look she had when she saw it. She made a liitle smirk, and her eyes lit up in a way that I had hoped was reserved for only me. At that point I knew. Knew I was wasting my time. Knew there was no chance. Knew that I was clearly affixed in the rear view mirror. And my heart sank. Didn't want it to, but it did. Because I just wonder if my love has a shelf life. I feel like I'm a stepping stone. I'm the person you stay with to get over a bad relationship until something better comes along. I hate it, but I'm helpless to do anything about it. The game is over, I have no credits, I've used up all my turns and it's time to try a different game. Because that one clearly belongs to someone else now....