Merry Christmas To Me

So today is Christmas Eve (I guess techically Christmas morning). How did I spend it? On my couch all day with my cat playing guitar hero. The problem with this is that I never should have time to sit by myself. I need to be out doing stuff. Because alone time is thinking time. And I get in trouble when I think. It's why I've always been a workaholic. I hate to be alone. I think the most horrible things, I sit alone and feel sorry for myself. Think about mistakes I've made. Think of how much different my life could be if I didn't screw things up. This is not the person I like to be. This person is pathetic, a person who understandibly is alone on Christmas. Truth is, I need distractions. I need someone to make me feel good about myself. Maybe that's why I try so hard to hold onto something that clearly has left already. Maybe that's why I have so many "friends" and can't let go. And maybe it's why I try so fucking hard to please everyone, often at my own expense. Well it obviously doesn't work too well, because here I am alone. Not going to the girl's family's house for the holidays. She's moved on to someone new (Which I fucking hate, by the way). Not going to my family's house. They flew to Florida to be with my sister, you know, the child that they care about. It's just me and my cat. Honestly I just need someone to be here. Nothing romantic or sexual. Just someone to be there for me when I need it. Which is right fucking now. I need a hug, I need reassurance that I'm not a complete waste of life, and I need someone to listen to what I have to say without being judgmental or think less of me. But that person doesn't exist. Truth is, even if someone did and told me those things right now I would think they were patronizing me anyway. There is no hope, no light at the end of the tunnel. I will be alone emotionally, if not physically, forever. Merry fucking Christmas...