C+

As I lay here, I'm thinking about a conversation I recently had with my ex-wife. In a nutshell, it came down to this: She is unhappy with her current boyfriend. He is unwilling to take their relationship to the next level. She wonders whether she should leave or compromise and be ok with less than what she wants, for it's better than being alone. We talked about this (knowing too well the irony) and my response was this:
There are basically 2 ways to go through life. The first way is a C+ life. What I mean by this is a life where you are never take chances. No risk, but no reward. You will always be ok. Average. You will not fail at anything, but you will never truly succeed either. Just go through life, never get hurt and be marginally ok. This way is so unappealing to me. I mean is that really living? But to some this is fine, because the chance of being hurt is too much to risk for an opportunity to be truly happy. I mean no one wants to fail, right? And I mean who wants to grow old alone? So maybe you want to settle for mediocrity and ensure at least a modicum of happiness.
The second way is the all or nothing way. You risk it all for a chance to get it all. If you want something, you go for it. You put it all on the line, you give it your best shot, but leave yourself vulnerable to disappointment and failure. This can lead to getting everything or nothing, with tremendous highs and lows. I told her she had to decide which person she was and act accordingly. Did she want to risk having nothing and be alone for the chance to find someone who wants the same things? Or should she stay with this guy who she cares about, and compromise what she wants out of life? I make it sound simple, but it's not easy. Being alone and taking a leap of faith is difficult. No one wants to take a leap and fall flat on their face. It hurts too much. So either way is fine for her, she just needed to figure out which way to go.
What I didn't say is that for me, there's no debate at all. No question. I'm the person who will risk it all for what I want because for me, doing otherwise isn't an option. I want everything, and I'll be damned if I ever look back on my life with regret that I didn't do everything in my power to be truly happy. I never give up on it, sometimes to a fault. Yes, I've failed. Countless times. Yes, I probably push too hard and it becomes counter-productive. But at the end of the day, I can look at myself in the mirror and say I tried. I gave it my best shot. Maybe it's not good enough. Maybe I don't deserve it. Maybe I do end up alone. Maybe I spend too much time way too miserable because of it. But I'll never regret it, because if and when it works out, it will all be worth it. And if that never happens, I won't wonder what if. I can honestly say I've put it all out on the line and fought to be happy. And for that I'm not sorry. Because I've had more amazing moments this way than I ever could hope for, with hopes of a lifetime more to come. But that depends on wheteher someone else is willing to take the same chance. And she's not yet. Hope she comes around. But if she doesn't at least I did all I could. I'll just be sorry it wasn't enough.

Last night was the first time I ever wrote out of anger. Usually when I write, I think about what I want to say and how to articulate it. It comes from the heart, but what I say is polished. Last night was raw. Didn't think, just wrote what was going through my head, right or wrong. Honestly, it felt good! I think I held that inside for far too long. I'm always so apologetic for being angry. Am I not allowed to be? I mean I'm not angry at her or anybody. It's not her fault she doesn't feel what I feel. That she's not beating herself up like I am. But can't I be angry about that. It bothers me that I went from where I was to where I am. When she leaves me, it hurts. And it makes me mad that it has to be that way. I know I have to wait for her to "figure shit out on her own", but that terrifies me. For a couple reasons. First, I'm afraid she'll forget about me. She can have anyone, why me? I mean I think we have incredible chemistry, but will time apart mess that up? Can you get it back? I just don't know. And secondly, I don't want to let go. Because I love the feeling of loving her. I mean the feeling or really loving someone. It's such an amazing feeling. I don't want to lose it just to be with someone who will never measure up. I want what I want. And when I know, I don't want a cheap substitute. I want it all. I want the fairy tale, the happily ever after. Mostly I just want her love. Today, tomorrow, and for as long as she'll let me. But it looks like it won't be today, tomorrow's looking bleak, and anytime ever is a bit of a longshot. Might as well find a way to live with it. But it will always suck, and I will always hate it. So I'm mad. Sue me....

I hate this. Every solitary second I'm alone, I feel I'm wasting time. I shouldn't be here. I should be happy, not with these feelings of self-pity. I can't believe this all went to shit. Last night I'm kissing the most amazing person in the world and today, I'm irrelevant. I'm an unfortunate situation. I hear "I'm sorry I can't be what you need me to be" and I just want to shake her and say "YES you can! Make it happen! But I can't make her want it. Or want it enough. She doesn't want the confrontation. She is afraid. What she isn't is willing to take a risk and chance being happy. And where does that leave me. On the outside looking in, constantly looking for some sign that it's going to change. I want her so badly. I want to touch her. I want to feel her body against mine. Forever. And it won't happen. And it sucks. And it makes me so mad that I'm helpless to do anything about it. Why can't she see it too. We deserve to be together. Why should we both be miserable apart. Where's the honor in that? How does that make any amount of sense. Why am I so tortured? Why send the perfect person my way and then make it so impossible? I am so angry she won't let it happen. I feel like I'm not good enough. I feel used. I feel so stupid for thinking there was that glimmer of hope. This is fucking bullshit. I want to die, because I'll never be happy without her. And I know how stupid it is to rely on another for happiness. But it's her. And she's the one. But it's not to be. Why would I ever think differently........

End of the Era

I'm home. It's midnight. I hate being alone this early. I'm drunk and my mind, as it does ever so often, is centered on the wrong girl. Well not the wrong girl, but the girl I can't have. Well I'm tired of it. I sabotage every "relationship" I have by being so consumed by it. I can't force the issue, I need to let things happen as they are intended. All I seem to do is push and whine when it doesn't work out. I've become a sad pathetic mess. Who could ever fall in love with that? I need to suck it up, grow up, and let things happen instead of pushing. I need to start being the person that people are initially attracted to, not the person that drives them away. If things are meant to happen, they will. But they definitely won't if all I do is sit around and cry about it. I need to come to terms with the fact that there's a REALLY good chance it will never happen. So I need to be ok with that. I can want what I want, but I can't sulk when I don't get my way. I'm not 8 years old. It's time to be the Dan I want to be and other people can like, or at least respect. So I am giving up. I'm moving on. Not onto anyone else, just with myself. I need to find the person I'm proud of. One that isn't angry all the time. Not frustrated, not on the verge of losing it. It's not that hard. I can do it...

Fail!

I guess I just can't get out of my own way. I know the right things to do, but refuse to do them. I try and be the good person, and it blows up in my face. I don't know what's going on. I wish I did. But everything I say turns into a fight. A one way fight mind you, but a fight nonetheless. Everything I do or say gets twisted. There's so much on my mind that I don't say, yet somehow I get in trouble for talking too much. She got mad at me today, because when she was obviously angry, I tried to cheer her up and asked what was wrong? I used to always say and do the right thing, now I always say and do the wrong thing. She's pushing me away. Won't let me in. And I can't figure out if it's because she's afraid of being close or if she just doesn't want me close at all. I just wish she would just be real, open up and say the truth. I don't care what that truth is, just as long as it's real. Say you'd prefer your husband. Say you want someone else. Say you want me, but want me to wait. ANYTHING! Saying nothing at all means I have to try to figure it out myself, and I don't have any answers. But if I ask, I'm starting a fight. I almost wish she'd tell me there was someone else. It would destroy me, but at least it would explain cutting me out of her life in so many ways. Right now I'm left wondering what the hell happened...
PS- I'm so disturbed that I sincerely hope that one day the 2 of us will look back and read this post and have a big laugh. Yeah, I need therapy

What a difference a week makes!

What a difference a week makes! A week ago, I had delusions of grandeur. I saw the light at the end of the dark tunnel. I thought the fairy tale could actually happen. I saw a way to be truly happy, and it was standing right in front of me. But then just as quickly, I saw the rug pulled out from under me. She makes the choice that I so dreaded to hear. She wants space to figure out her situation. Me, in my typical cynical fashion, has taken that to mean she doesn't want me anymore. Things have become different. She's been distant, she won't see me outside of work, and I only make it worse. I've been a jerk, trying to convince her to see me, thinking if we could just spend time together, I could make it all alright. That she would see what we could be together if she'd just let it happen. And she gets frustrated even mad at me. I don't know what happened to make her flip the switch, but she has. And it is killing me. I want to fix it, but it's like water in a sponge. The harder I try to hold onto it, the more leaves. So I know I need to back off and let her situation run it's course. But it's so hard. I mean how do you ignore the one thing that makes you feel whole? When you see someone that you've been waiting your whole life for, do you just let her go? I know it's the right thing to do, but I'm having so much trouble. All I want to do is see her. Make her smile. Be the person she's always wanted, and fight like hell to make her happy every single day. But she needs time, so if I love her as much as I say I should give it to her. I just wish to God it bothered her half as much as it's bothering me. That she wants to call me like I want to call her. That she wants to be laying on the couch with me as much as I want her there. But I'm not sure she does. A week ago, I knew she did. Now I'm not sure. She tells me to give up on her, live my life. How can I when my life is empty without her. I hang out with other girls and it seems silly. I know I'm wasting my time. The only person I want to be with is the one person that I can't have anymore. And I have to see her everyday. I don't know if that's good or bad. Everyday I wake up and I long to see her, but when she's distant it only adds to the anguish. I'm a mess. This girl has gotten to me deeper than I ever thought anyone could. And I have to hold everything back. Ugh. Ok. On to work. Closing with her tonight. Hoping for a good day, expecting to get upset. Seems like a never ending theme. Well no matter what, at least I had an amazing few months, and I know what it means to truly love. Just wish it was last week again....

Good News, Bad News

Wow. Has it been 8 months? I guess that's good, means I haven't been so miserable about something that I felt the need to write it down. My life has been a roller coaster ride. Got "promoted" to Bar manager, switched stores and opened up a brand new restaurant. But the most interesting part is this: I've met the girl of my dreams. The girl I was meant to be with. The girl that is everything I have ever wanted in someone. A girl that can make me smile with her eyes, laugh with her smile, and make my heart leap with a kiss. We've spent the last couple of months together basically everyday, and the more I learn, the more I like. She collects coins (though she thinks it's corny), she writes poetry (though she won't show it to me), she sings disney songs. She makes me believe in every fairy tale romance I've ever read. Believe that love is possible (a difficult task considering my universal cynicism). When I'm with her, time stands still. And I never want it to end. I've never felt this way. I've been in love, incredibly deeply, but not like this. This is different. It's like when you hear someone tell a story and they say they KNEW they absolutely HAD to be with someone. It's like that. I have daydreams of having a family, of getting remarried (never thought that was possible) and doing all of the corny things I scoffed at in the past. So why is this titled "good news, bad news"? Because I can't be with her. She's taken. And as many times as she looks me in the eye and says I love you, it doesn't matter. Because she's with someone. I wrote months ago of a tale of two paths, one safe and the other a risk. In this situation, I'm the risk. I'm the one who she'd have to take a leap of faith with. And I'm really scared that she won't. And that will kill me. I know she'd be happy with me, I'd spend every day making sure of it. Yet she's hesitant. I don't know if it's a lack of faith in me, or she doesn't want to deal with leaving her present situation. I just know that it feels so right when we're together, and life seems perfect when she's in my arms. I never want that feeling to go away. But I can't make her pick me, and the more I try, the more she pushes me away. I'm going to keep my fingers crossed and pray this works out, because it's really all I can do. But I have this feeling in the pit of my stomach that it won't, and I'll probably be hoping my entire life...