END OF AN ERA

I can't take it anymore. It's all over. My life as I know it has changed. She HATES me. I have no idea why. When we're together, she feels uncomfortable. Things are awkward, she's cold and distant. And I don't know what happened. She is all smiles and flirts with all the other managers. Yet with me, standoffish. I feel like the kid who was friends with someone in Junior High, only to get ditched for the "cooler" kids in high school. And the worst part is, if I try to make it better, she gets mad and pushes me farther away. I can't take it. Everytime I see her, I get this feeling in the pit of my stomach. And it's not because I want to be with her. Not at all. As a matter of fact, I know there's no chance for us anymore. Even if she came to me, I wouldn't pursue it. It's just that she was my best friend. The one I could turn to. About anything. She was my saving grace. She helped me. Made me smile in more ways than I can count. And now I have nothing. if I reach for her, she winces. Everything is so uncomfortable. I just want her to call me or text me and say that she loves me. That she always will be my friend. Come to me (instead of everyone but) when she has a problem. Miss me now that I'm out of her life. Is that too much to ask? I hate what happened to us. I hate that she took some thing perfect and spit on it (though I understand the reasons). I hate that she broke my heart and turned around like it's no big deal. I hate that she will NEVER call me again, unless it's to pick her up coffee or cigarettes on my way to work. I hate that I've become so unimportant, so replaceable. Not even she can deny what we had, how can she just turn it completely off? I spend half my time hopelessly in love with her hoping we could have been together and the other half wishing we'd never met. This hurts so badly. Seeing her all the time. All smiles, hugging everyone else. Or texting back and forth with someone at 3AM. That used to be me! I don't know what the next step is. I want my best friend back. I want to smile again. I want to make each other laugh. I want to know that if and when i text her, it's greeted warmly. Is that too much to ask? Apparently. Because she's so irate with me. The only thing I've been guilty of is caring about her too much. Why does that warrant this? Because I would drop everything for her. Because if she's upset I ask what's wrong and if she's ok? Isn't that what friends are for. She is the only person in the world that gets me. The only opinion I truly care about. And her opinion is that I'm annoying, smothering, and not worthy of her friendship. Awesome. I'm out of ideas. This will never get better, and my last shot at something great has blown up in my face. And I can't talk to anyone about it, because i have no friends left. And the one's I do have I can't tell. Just kill me..

Disappointment

I am so disappointed today. Problem is, I have no idea what I'm disappointed in. Things have just gotten so fucked up and I'm clueless how to fix it. I'm pretty sure the right answer is to keep my distance and hopefully things will eventually return to normal. But I can't. I work with her. I see her every day. And every day she acts indifferent towards me. She acts cold and distant. Things, mind you, that just a couple weeks ago she begged ME not to be. And when she's not apathetic, she's angry. Angry that I want to talk to fix it. Or explain myself. Or question what's going through her head. It's so frustrating. I just want to go back. I would kill to go back to when it was easy. When we constantly made each other smile. It truly made me as happy as I've ever been. I mean I love this girl. Love her more than anything. But I can't make her love me back. I wrote her a book for Valentine's Day. I poured my heart and soul into it. Meant every word. It meant a lot to me, because she means a lot to me. What did she get me? Nothing. Not even a card. And it makes me think it's because that's what I mean to her. Nothing. So where did it go wrong? Who knows? The final straw was when I apparently misinterpreted something she said. What she said hurt me a lot. Enough that I wrote about it here. So you would think that she would feel badly that she hurt me, even if unintentionally. But instead she yelled at me for twisting her words around and hasn't been the same since. I told her that I feel like I'm losing all my friends and she gets angry and feels like she can't be friends with me and it's my fault. Not exactly supportive. And yet I'm the one that feels like shit. I don't get it. So who should I be disappointed in? Her for pushing away? Or me for smothering so much that she felt like she had to. I don't know. I just know I'm lost without her. And it sucks...

I'm laying on my couch. It's 3:44 AM, and I've just finished texting back and forth with someone who I used to be close with. Basically, the gist of the conversation was that she did not want to be friends anymore. Awesome. I'm going through an incredibly difficult time right now, every single day is a struggle. And everyone I know wants to distance themself from me. I need more, they want less. Why? I try so hard to be the best person I can be. It's worthless. I feel like I have no one to turn to. I can't be myself. Because no one wants the real me around. They want the fake me. Because the people that see me without the walls up, apparently would rather they didn't. I feel hollow. Empty. I wake up every day and wish to God there's a text from that special someone. But there isn't. I haven't asked her to hang out. I didn't even text her for 3 days. I'm pretty sure she didn't even notice, and if she did, she was thankful. I can't shake this feeling of anger at the world. Angry at her for turning her back on my everything. And acting like it doesn't bother her a bit, while it kills me inside. Angry at my "friend" that doesn't want to be bothered with me. Angry that I have no one. Everyday I think about just leaving, going somewhere and starting over. And I know nobody would care for more than a day or two. I am so miserable. And I don't know if there's anything that can fix it. Ever. I'm numb. Finished. I have no hope. I have no desire to do anything anymore. Figure I can do that one last favor for anyone.

Just got home after a long night. A night that started out well, but ended with a thud. I hung out with some friends and had a really nice time. Had a few drinks and was ready to call it a night. Then I did something stupid. I met up with her. Now to me, this is never something that I would categorize as stupid. I mean I love hanging out with her. Always have. But tonight was different. Tonight I was made to feel like a piece of shit. Basically it was insinuated that the times we were together were for the most part one-sided. She never wanted them, she relented. Is it possible I could have misread a situation so badly? Did I really coerce her into something she didn't want to do? I really am garbage. I don't deserve her or anyone else. I honestly have never felt so unwanted. So irrelevant. So low. I was under the impression that all these feelings are mutual, that the only things standing in our way are her commitments. Now I'm starting to see that it's much more than that. I shouldn't have to constantly seduce and try to convince her or anyone else to do something. I need to find someone that wants me, is dying to kiss me, can't control her thoughts and actions around me. She used to be that person, or so I thought. Now it seems as though I am and will forever be someone she has clearly affixed in the rear view mirror, if I am important enough to be placed at all. I am so sorry for the harm and guilt I've caused. I just really thought that we were bigger than all of this. But in reality I was a fling that she wants to rid herself of. And I've just been too stubborn to let her. So as painful as this all is, I can't be that asshole anymore. Everyone's been right about me. I am a jerk. I am so dumb. Why would I ever think that she could want and love me like that? Well she won't have to worry. Since our trip to Atlantic City I haven't made a pass at her, and I don't intend to ever again. I'll keep my distance physically until I get some sign suggesting differently. I sure she won't miss it or even notice. In fact, she'll probably be thankful. And the world will be a happier place. Except of course for me. Happy Valentine's Day....

To be perfectly honest, I have no idea what to write today. I have no clue what to say, I only know that I had to write SOMETHING. My head is so clouded with thoughts, ranging all over the place. I has no beginning, middle, and end. Just a potpourri of questions, doubts, concerns, and uncertainties fill my ever-active brain. So, in the interest of sorting it all out, I tried to take everything one by one, but it seems impossible. It's as if everything is intertwined, nothing is independent of anything else. The truth is I'm just so confused. With everything. I'm so disappointed in my "friends", so upset about my "relationship" status, and so much in doubt of my abilities to do my job. I don't know if my job has negatively affected my relationship/friendships. Or if my "relationship" is affecting my ability to do my job. Or if my friendships play a part in screwing up my relationships. Or any other combination of the 3. I just feel like every facet of my life is kind of screwed up. I don't know how to fix any of it. Every day I feel like the gap between what life is and what I want it to be gets farther and farther apart. And I feel helpless. The more I try to change that, the worse it gets. I feel like everything I do is wrong. In my personal AND professional life. Can't I get anything right? I'm not even mad, I'm just so frustrated. I want SOMETHING to work out for me. If I'm a failure at my job, can't I at least have the girl? If I can't have the girl, or the job, Can't I have friends that I can lean on and talk to about it? Nope. I've been on vacation for six(ugh) days now and I've barely gotten out of bed. The only times I've gotten up were the first day in Atlantic City, when I had one last reminder of how great things could be if I ever got a chance, and to go to work because another thing in my department got fucked up. Six months ago my I really thought I was turning a corner. I started to get good at my job (or so I thought), I had a million friends who I regularly talked to, and I was really getting to know the most amazing girl I've ever met. And somewhere things got fucked up. I don't know where I went wrong. Maybe I'm just not meant to be happy for very long. But I'm not happy now. I'm constantly searching/grasping for something to hold onto. I feel like I'm trying to improve everything in my life. But everytime I try to open a door, I feel like there's a brick wall on the other side. I just want to be successful at some aspect of life. Can't I be good at my job? I put the time in, and work so fucking hard. Or can't I be with the person I love? I try so hard to show her we belong together. Or at least can't I have good friends? I try so hard to be there for my friends when they need me. Is it too much to ask the same in return? Guess so. On all counts. Somehow, I've screwed this all up. I'm not good enough. I fall short. At everything. And I'm just stupid enough to believe that will ever change. Shame on me. Well not anymore. I've resigned myself to believing that there is no light at the end of the tunnel for me. It's all hopeless. She'll never be mine, I'll never get promoted, and I'll never have anyone I can count on. So where do I go from here? What do you do when you have no hope? Nothing to strive for, no carrot to chase after, no brass ring. What's the next step when you're at a dead end, and you can't go back to where you came from? I have no idea. I hate this feeling of helplessness. I feel empty. And I don't have any delusions/expectations that it will change. It's too bad. I always felt I had a lot to give..

January 27, 2005 was one of the saddest days I've ever experienced. That was the day that my fiancees mother passed away. It was a long struggle, certainly not a shock. She had been battling cancer on and off for years. I saw this disease take it's toll on her and emotionally upon her only daughter. So obviously, when January 27th comes, my thoughts turn to her, and her daughter (now my ex-wife). I had many conversations with her, some good, some not so good. But I distinctly remember one conversation. It was near the end, she looked at me. She knew her time was limited, and she told me she just wanted to know that her baby was going to be taken care of. And I promised her I would be there for Carla forever. And every January 27th I remember those words and I hate myself. I feel like I failed her. That I let her down. Truth is, I can't make sure her daughter's cared for. I can't be what she needed me to be. And I hate myself for it. Sometimes I feel so selfish for leaving. Sometimes I feel like I did her a favor. I mean isn't it better to walk away than continue to make her miserable? I mean should I continue a path which would never lead to happiness, just because I said so? Truth is, I sometimes think she looks down on me and is so disappointed. I'm a complete failure. I let her down with Carla. My life is in disarray. I have no friends. No one who will be there for me the way I need them. I'm horrible at my job. I'll never get ahead. My bosses think I suck. My finances are a joke. My love life is beyond messed up. Every day I want to apologize to her and anyone that's ever put their faith in me, because obviously I'm not worthy of it. I'm a 37 year old, broke, divorced person with a dead-end job destined to live and die alone. I guess that's punishment enough for me. So I'm sorry, Mom. I didn't mean it. Your daughter deserved better and I hope she finds it, if she hasn't already. And as for me. Well, let's just say I'll never again make promises I can't keep...

I had this whole concept of what I was going to write today. Say all the things I feel. How I feel cheated. How I feel taken for granted. How my life was not supposed to end up this way. But as I opened this up, I just lost my will. It just doesn't matter. I'm so sick of sitting on my couch, or my bed, and saying the same shit. And writing any of it isn't making me feel any better. I'm done. I have to be. The truth of the matter is that I deserve to be alone. I deserve to be taken for granted. I deserve to be lonely. My life is supposed to end up this way. Because I choose to fuck my life up. I'm a fucking dreamer. I think that this amazing person would throw her life into chaos for me? How stupid is that? I think I can take these impossible situations and make them work. I'm so dumb. I just can't stop myself. So forget it. Maybe tomorrow....