Streams of Consciousness

I have so many things to say, yet I have trouble beginning. So I guess I'll just take my thoughts one by one...First, I've been struggling with the concept of love. I mean, what exactly is love anyway? Someone said to me that the reason they have a lot of sex is that it was her way of feeling loved. Can that be true? Is that possible? I mean I TOTALLY understand how sex can make you feel wanted, even needed. But LOVED? I never really thought so. To me, love is seeing a smile from across the room and knowing it's only for you. Or the absolute need to hear someone's voice when you're down. Or needing to share something first with someone when something positive happens. It's the ability to say nothing to someone, and yet say so much. Are these things you can get from purely a physical act? I think it's a great way to express love, but I don't think it alone is what love is all about. Then again, I'm apparently not very good at this love thing, so I may need to re-evaluate....
Second, on the concept of love, I have an internal debate as to what I actually want from love. I mean I'm with a girl now who is so incredible for me. She's beautiful, smart, and really loves me. Who can argue with that? But then there's another girl who makes me feel everything. I mean EVERYTHING. In a ten minute span she can make me feel joy, hatred, frustration, sadness, arousal, and pain. She can make me feel like I'm on top of the world or like I'm worthless. Is that good? Not sure. Truth is, I love them both. But what's best for me? Do I want the incredible highs while enduring enormous lows. Truth is this is the route I usually go. Because when I love someone, I throw myself into it. I care so much and want so much, that any setback crushes me. But maybe I'm starting to understand that you can't force something if it's not meant to happen. At some point, it has to be a two way street. I need to know that I have that kind of commitment back. She needs to be willing to take the risk too. Because two people opening up to each other and giving everything to each other physically and emotionally is what I'm constantly searching for. And she's not. Never has been. She's kept secrets throughout our relationship. And that's ok. I certainly understand the concept of putting walls up to protect myself. Done it a lot myself. So I really think I need to pursue this new relationship. I think it can be amazing if I let it. And while I will never stop loving Megan, she has some growing up to do and I hope she allows herself to be everything I know she already is and can be..
Third-What do you do when someone you care about makes bad decisions? Do you stop them or let them make their own mistakes? I think it's pretty obvious you can't stop them. So why bother? But what if something bad happens and you said nothing? Is it worth the guilt? I don't know, but I do know that caring and expressing concern has only caused a bigger wedge between us. Pretty sure that's not helping anyone. ..
I have a 4th and 5th, but frankly I'm just too tired. Maybe I'll post more another time. Or maybe I won't. I haven't been real good at decisions lately, so we'll just see what happens...

Welcome Back?

I haven't written anything in a month. That's pretty much because my life has been pretty good. It's funny, why do I feel the need to talk about when I'm miserable, but don't ever have the desire to say anything when I'm happy? Anyhow. life has been good. Work is crazy, but I'm feeling more comfortable. The new girl is awesome, she REALLY likes me, which is nice because I haven't felt loved in a long time. She of course has her issues, (I mean who doesn't) but overall I feel like we get along well together. But today my thoughts turn to something a little more upsetting. I don't think I'm ready to put it down in here yet, I need to organize my thoughts, but I do want to say that my heart bleeds for somone special who is letting me down. I want so badly for the people I care about to be happy, so much more than myself. I'm very protective of the people I love. I just can't help it. So when they go down a path that is going to hurt them. I want to stop it. But I can't. I have to let people make their own mistakes. God knows I've made mine. But it kills me, and I'm helpless. So welcome back negative thoughts, was wondering what took so long...

Vacation

I've really been having a good 2010. I've been really trying to keep a positive attitude, and stay away from the self-loathing and cynicism that has consumed my life for much of the last few months. The negativity wasn't helping, in fact it made me hate myself. And for the most part it's worked. I found a girl that I care about, work is going well, and life is going how I would hope. However, the last week my attitude is starting to waver. I don't want it to, but I've had a bad week or so and it's starting to affect my mood. First of all I got sick. I mean like can't get out of bed, shaking in the middle of the night, plus EVERYTHING in the nyquil commercial sick. And it made me sad. Not because I didn't feel well. But because I get really needy when I'm sick. And I missed having someone. A LOT. When I think about being alone, I'm generally ok, but there are times when I just want someone to take care of, and who will take care of me. I'm kind of a mess by myself. There were so many times when I wanted to reach for the phone and make a call, only to hang up because I knew there was nobody who wanted to take that phone call. And that made me sad. .. That was followed by vacation. I have a week off with nothing to do. Now most people would LOVE this. Not me. I hate it. Hate alone time. I think too much. About mistakes I've made, about how I could have done things differently. About how I've messed up so many things in my life. This is why I'm a workaholic. Doesn't leave time for these thoughts to creep into my head. Don't want them there. I just want to be so consumed with work that it will become my focus, not this other stuff. I don't like all this time to myself. I need a vacation from my vacation. ... i know this will pass, it usually does, but I can't help feeling nostalgic and longing for a simpler time. When I knew what I wanted, when I knew there was somebody that wanted me. There was no confusion. No wondering. I miss it. And now I cant wait for my vacation to be over so I can stop thinking and start doing. Get my mind off stuff. Save myself from myself...

Signs in Music?

I've always had a great appreciation for music. People closest to me may not believe me, because I generally don't share this. Hell, I even listen to sportstalk radio in the car. But the power of music is undeniable. It can transform your mood, or take you back to a time you otherwise wouldn't have thought about. I like to take it one step further. I believe there are signs in music. I know it sounds corny, but just about every girl I've come across I have a song attributed to. I don't pick it, it just kind of finds me. Did you ever notice that the song on the radio always seems to relate to YOUR life in some way? Just weird. Anyway, the point of all this is that after I broke up with my girlfriend, I heard this song. It's by Adam Lambert. These are the lyrics:



Hey, slow it down
What do you want from me?
What do you want from me?

Yeah, I'm afraid
What do you want from me?
What do you want from me?

There might have been a time
When I would give myself away
Oh, once upon a time
I didn't give a damn

But now, here we are
So, What do you want from me?

Just don't give up
I'm working it out
Please don't give in
I won't let you down
It messed me up
Need a second to breathe
Just keep coming around
Hey, what do you want from me?
What do you want from me?

Yeah, it's plain to see
Baby you're beautiful
There's nothing wrong with you

It's me, I'm a freak
But thanks for loving me
"Cause you're doing it perfectly

Yeah, there might have been a time
When i would let you slip away
I wouldn't even try
But I think you could save my life!

So, just don't give up
I'm working it out
Please don't give in
I won't let you down
It messed me up
Need a second to breathe
Just keep coming around
What do you want from me?
I won't let you down.....

Now normally I wouldn't post song lyrics. But these have particular meaning. I mean, Adam Lambert isn't exactly my genre. But the words kind of spoke to me. At the time, I really thought (hoped/wished?) that these were the thoughts running through her head. I thought the move out here and living together "messed her up" or that she got scared. I really talked myself into believing she just needed some time ("a second to breathe") and not to give up on her. On us. I ws convinced that she would work out all the anxieties and let her walls down eventually, she just wasn't ready. And I decided I would wait and not give up on her. I would keep coming around, and she wouldn't let me down.....
Well, time moves on and it becomes apparent that once again I am retarded and I try to find something that clearly isn't there. And the only answer to "what do you want from me?" is probably "not a whole lot". So I was then convinced that I'm an idiot, and looking for signs had clearly been a dead end. But then she came back into my life. By "she" I mean the girl I've been spending time with now. The words apply to our relationship in such an unbelievable way. Our relationship has been a see-saw of reaching out and pulling away. We're never quite ready to give in, but never quite ready to go away. And hopefully we'll figure it out. Because for the first time in a long while, I've been smiling again....
This is not to say that I've lost any feeling for Megan. She truly is an amazing person. And I still am a sucker for her smile. Makes me melt every time. Makes me think I could love her forever. Trouble is, when we're together, there's not much smiling anymore, and that's sad. With this one, there may be a real chance at something, or a real chance at nothing. I just don't know. What I do know is that I'm ready to find out. And hopefully for better or worse, the question "what do you want from me?" will (finally?) have an answer......

Two Roads

Robert Frost wrote a poem called the road less travelled. In it he states that he took the road less travelled and that "has made all the difference". This is an extremely powerful poem, and particularly poignant to me. Because I have had that fork in the road. Many times I suppose, but one in particular stands out. It was about 7 years ago and I was dating a certain girl. Now my girlfriend had it all. She was in graduate school. She was building a life, not just hanging out living day by day like the usual people I come across typically. Especially in the restaurant business. She had a plan. She knew what she wanted. Had it all figured out. She had a family that loved me, and she was always pushing me to better myself. (A fact that I found cumbersome, yet happy that someone found me capable) Point is, she was everything I would want from someone I'd want to spend a lifetime with. And then I meet this other girl. She is nothing I would want from a future mate. She wanted to be an actress, she was more interested in partying and playing the field than planning for a future. She didn't know what she wanted, and wasn't sure she cared to know. But she had that something. We had chemistry. She GOT me. Got my humor (sometimes made the same joke at the same time). We had an obvious physical attraction. And we were so alike on so many levels it was downright scary. So I'm at a crossroads. What do I do? Do I follow my head and make the "smart" decision? Or do I follow my heart and see where this obvious connection leads? Well, to make a long story short, after a number of fights, heartbreaks, and sleepless nights. I went with my head. I married the "safe" choice. Because I knew she'd be loyal, and more importantly, I thought she would be "good for me". She'd push me to be better, and make me a better man. I could start my family and live moderately happy ever after. And THAT has made all the difference. It pretty much sabotaged the next 1/2 decade. With it came a move to Jersey, endless bickering, and even some nasty fights. The inevitable divorce soon followed....
So why is this relevant now? Because I've recently been reacquainted with the 2nd girl. We're both older, and a little more grownup. But it's all still there. The feelings that were swept under the rug have pretty much resurfaced. I mean how many times do you get a 2nd chance to make the right decision? We've spent a couple days together and haven't missed a beat. And I will forever wonder what would have happened had I taken "the road less travelled". Maybe it would have blown up because the timing was wrong or we weren't mature enough yet. Maybe it would have been amazing and I'd be 7 years farther along in what could be incredible. I don't know. What I do know is that I've wasted enough time already. I've constantly gone for the girl that was safe, that couldn't hurt me. They love me too much, or they're so nice, they couldn't possibly break my heart. And then they do. So I'm ready to take the chance now. Don't have any more time to lose. I just hope it's not too late. I know she feels it too, she's said so in so many ways. But this time, SHE has the boyfriend who is stable and secure and is the obvious safe choice. I fear since she's so much like me she'll make the same mistakes I did and I'll be alone....again. Would serve me right. ..

Game Over

I toyed with the idea of not writing this blog, but I feel compelled to address it if for no other reason it may help me to move forward. Went to Jersey a couple of days ago to see the girl. I say the girl because I just don't know how to describe her. She has no problem referring to me as her friend or "buddy" (my favorite...ugh), but to me it doesn't feel right. Point is I know it was really stupid and I knew it was asking for trouble, but I got a call Christmas Day and we spent hours on the phone and had a really nice conversation. So I get my hopes up (again) and take the trek out there to give it one last try, and if not, spend some time with someone I truly care about. Anyway, the night went how it generally goes. We have a really nice time and then it gets fucked up and I leave upset. There was one moment that particularly stood out. We were out to dinner, and she received a text message. It was undoubtedly from her new "boyfriend". I'm sure he said something nice, the kind of thing that I felt always should be my job. What bothered me was the look she had when she saw it. She made a liitle smirk, and her eyes lit up in a way that I had hoped was reserved for only me. At that point I knew. Knew I was wasting my time. Knew there was no chance. Knew that I was clearly affixed in the rear view mirror. And my heart sank. Didn't want it to, but it did. Because I just wonder if my love has a shelf life. I feel like I'm a stepping stone. I'm the person you stay with to get over a bad relationship until something better comes along. I hate it, but I'm helpless to do anything about it. The game is over, I have no credits, I've used up all my turns and it's time to try a different game. Because that one clearly belongs to someone else now....

Merry Christmas To Me

So today is Christmas Eve (I guess techically Christmas morning). How did I spend it? On my couch all day with my cat playing guitar hero. The problem with this is that I never should have time to sit by myself. I need to be out doing stuff. Because alone time is thinking time. And I get in trouble when I think. It's why I've always been a workaholic. I hate to be alone. I think the most horrible things, I sit alone and feel sorry for myself. Think about mistakes I've made. Think of how much different my life could be if I didn't screw things up. This is not the person I like to be. This person is pathetic, a person who understandibly is alone on Christmas. Truth is, I need distractions. I need someone to make me feel good about myself. Maybe that's why I try so hard to hold onto something that clearly has left already. Maybe that's why I have so many "friends" and can't let go. And maybe it's why I try so fucking hard to please everyone, often at my own expense. Well it obviously doesn't work too well, because here I am alone. Not going to the girl's family's house for the holidays. She's moved on to someone new (Which I fucking hate, by the way). Not going to my family's house. They flew to Florida to be with my sister, you know, the child that they care about. It's just me and my cat. Honestly I just need someone to be here. Nothing romantic or sexual. Just someone to be there for me when I need it. Which is right fucking now. I need a hug, I need reassurance that I'm not a complete waste of life, and I need someone to listen to what I have to say without being judgmental or think less of me. But that person doesn't exist. Truth is, even if someone did and told me those things right now I would think they were patronizing me anyway. There is no hope, no light at the end of the tunnel. I will be alone emotionally, if not physically, forever. Merry fucking Christmas...