Fail!

I guess I just can't get out of my own way. I know the right things to do, but refuse to do them. I try and be the good person, and it blows up in my face. I don't know what's going on. I wish I did. But everything I say turns into a fight. A one way fight mind you, but a fight nonetheless. Everything I do or say gets twisted. There's so much on my mind that I don't say, yet somehow I get in trouble for talking too much. She got mad at me today, because when she was obviously angry, I tried to cheer her up and asked what was wrong? I used to always say and do the right thing, now I always say and do the wrong thing. She's pushing me away. Won't let me in. And I can't figure out if it's because she's afraid of being close or if she just doesn't want me close at all. I just wish she would just be real, open up and say the truth. I don't care what that truth is, just as long as it's real. Say you'd prefer your husband. Say you want someone else. Say you want me, but want me to wait. ANYTHING! Saying nothing at all means I have to try to figure it out myself, and I don't have any answers. But if I ask, I'm starting a fight. I almost wish she'd tell me there was someone else. It would destroy me, but at least it would explain cutting me out of her life in so many ways. Right now I'm left wondering what the hell happened...
PS- I'm so disturbed that I sincerely hope that one day the 2 of us will look back and read this post and have a big laugh. Yeah, I need therapy

What a difference a week makes!

What a difference a week makes! A week ago, I had delusions of grandeur. I saw the light at the end of the dark tunnel. I thought the fairy tale could actually happen. I saw a way to be truly happy, and it was standing right in front of me. But then just as quickly, I saw the rug pulled out from under me. She makes the choice that I so dreaded to hear. She wants space to figure out her situation. Me, in my typical cynical fashion, has taken that to mean she doesn't want me anymore. Things have become different. She's been distant, she won't see me outside of work, and I only make it worse. I've been a jerk, trying to convince her to see me, thinking if we could just spend time together, I could make it all alright. That she would see what we could be together if she'd just let it happen. And she gets frustrated even mad at me. I don't know what happened to make her flip the switch, but she has. And it is killing me. I want to fix it, but it's like water in a sponge. The harder I try to hold onto it, the more leaves. So I know I need to back off and let her situation run it's course. But it's so hard. I mean how do you ignore the one thing that makes you feel whole? When you see someone that you've been waiting your whole life for, do you just let her go? I know it's the right thing to do, but I'm having so much trouble. All I want to do is see her. Make her smile. Be the person she's always wanted, and fight like hell to make her happy every single day. But she needs time, so if I love her as much as I say I should give it to her. I just wish to God it bothered her half as much as it's bothering me. That she wants to call me like I want to call her. That she wants to be laying on the couch with me as much as I want her there. But I'm not sure she does. A week ago, I knew she did. Now I'm not sure. She tells me to give up on her, live my life. How can I when my life is empty without her. I hang out with other girls and it seems silly. I know I'm wasting my time. The only person I want to be with is the one person that I can't have anymore. And I have to see her everyday. I don't know if that's good or bad. Everyday I wake up and I long to see her, but when she's distant it only adds to the anguish. I'm a mess. This girl has gotten to me deeper than I ever thought anyone could. And I have to hold everything back. Ugh. Ok. On to work. Closing with her tonight. Hoping for a good day, expecting to get upset. Seems like a never ending theme. Well no matter what, at least I had an amazing few months, and I know what it means to truly love. Just wish it was last week again....

Good News, Bad News

Wow. Has it been 8 months? I guess that's good, means I haven't been so miserable about something that I felt the need to write it down. My life has been a roller coaster ride. Got "promoted" to Bar manager, switched stores and opened up a brand new restaurant. But the most interesting part is this: I've met the girl of my dreams. The girl I was meant to be with. The girl that is everything I have ever wanted in someone. A girl that can make me smile with her eyes, laugh with her smile, and make my heart leap with a kiss. We've spent the last couple of months together basically everyday, and the more I learn, the more I like. She collects coins (though she thinks it's corny), she writes poetry (though she won't show it to me), she sings disney songs. She makes me believe in every fairy tale romance I've ever read. Believe that love is possible (a difficult task considering my universal cynicism). When I'm with her, time stands still. And I never want it to end. I've never felt this way. I've been in love, incredibly deeply, but not like this. This is different. It's like when you hear someone tell a story and they say they KNEW they absolutely HAD to be with someone. It's like that. I have daydreams of having a family, of getting remarried (never thought that was possible) and doing all of the corny things I scoffed at in the past. So why is this titled "good news, bad news"? Because I can't be with her. She's taken. And as many times as she looks me in the eye and says I love you, it doesn't matter. Because she's with someone. I wrote months ago of a tale of two paths, one safe and the other a risk. In this situation, I'm the risk. I'm the one who she'd have to take a leap of faith with. And I'm really scared that she won't. And that will kill me. I know she'd be happy with me, I'd spend every day making sure of it. Yet she's hesitant. I don't know if it's a lack of faith in me, or she doesn't want to deal with leaving her present situation. I just know that it feels so right when we're together, and life seems perfect when she's in my arms. I never want that feeling to go away. But I can't make her pick me, and the more I try, the more she pushes me away. I'm going to keep my fingers crossed and pray this works out, because it's really all I can do. But I have this feeling in the pit of my stomach that it won't, and I'll probably be hoping my entire life...

Alone in My Living Room

Ahhhh, another vacation. It's a Tuesday, like any other. But I'm alone, it's midnight and I can't even think about sleeping. Why? Have no idea. I just always take this time to let my thoughts drift. I wonder where I went wrong, what I could have done differently. I feel like I am watching my life run in place, making the same mistakes over and over while everyone else is moving on, growing up, doing amazing things. My cousin just had a baby, and my YOUNGER brother has bought a house and has a 2nd child on the way. What have I done? I'm hung up on a girl that barely responds to my text messages, Heather has decided a week after telling me we're "soul mates" that she needs space, and my latest decides that she's going to London for the next 5 years. It's like the same old story. Meet a girl, think there's a chance, and the rug gets pulled out from under me. And then I end up sitting alone in my living room curled up with my cat, who I'm pretty sure would leave too if he had the chance. I don't know why it's so hard for me, maybe I try too hard, maybe I don't try hard enough, or maybe I'm just attracted to the wrong people. I just don't know. What I do know is this is getting old. I just want someone to give a shit. Tell me they love me. Life is too short to waste a lot of time with bullshit. I try to take every opportunity to let people know they are cared for. Is it too much to ask for it in return? I'd die for others, yet get nothing back. And so I sit here. Phones not ringing, no company, no plans. Another day in paradise......

Streams of Consciousness

I have so many things to say, yet I have trouble beginning. So I guess I'll just take my thoughts one by one...First, I've been struggling with the concept of love. I mean, what exactly is love anyway? Someone said to me that the reason they have a lot of sex is that it was her way of feeling loved. Can that be true? Is that possible? I mean I TOTALLY understand how sex can make you feel wanted, even needed. But LOVED? I never really thought so. To me, love is seeing a smile from across the room and knowing it's only for you. Or the absolute need to hear someone's voice when you're down. Or needing to share something first with someone when something positive happens. It's the ability to say nothing to someone, and yet say so much. Are these things you can get from purely a physical act? I think it's a great way to express love, but I don't think it alone is what love is all about. Then again, I'm apparently not very good at this love thing, so I may need to re-evaluate....
Second, on the concept of love, I have an internal debate as to what I actually want from love. I mean I'm with a girl now who is so incredible for me. She's beautiful, smart, and really loves me. Who can argue with that? But then there's another girl who makes me feel everything. I mean EVERYTHING. In a ten minute span she can make me feel joy, hatred, frustration, sadness, arousal, and pain. She can make me feel like I'm on top of the world or like I'm worthless. Is that good? Not sure. Truth is, I love them both. But what's best for me? Do I want the incredible highs while enduring enormous lows. Truth is this is the route I usually go. Because when I love someone, I throw myself into it. I care so much and want so much, that any setback crushes me. But maybe I'm starting to understand that you can't force something if it's not meant to happen. At some point, it has to be a two way street. I need to know that I have that kind of commitment back. She needs to be willing to take the risk too. Because two people opening up to each other and giving everything to each other physically and emotionally is what I'm constantly searching for. And she's not. Never has been. She's kept secrets throughout our relationship. And that's ok. I certainly understand the concept of putting walls up to protect myself. Done it a lot myself. So I really think I need to pursue this new relationship. I think it can be amazing if I let it. And while I will never stop loving Megan, she has some growing up to do and I hope she allows herself to be everything I know she already is and can be..
Third-What do you do when someone you care about makes bad decisions? Do you stop them or let them make their own mistakes? I think it's pretty obvious you can't stop them. So why bother? But what if something bad happens and you said nothing? Is it worth the guilt? I don't know, but I do know that caring and expressing concern has only caused a bigger wedge between us. Pretty sure that's not helping anyone. ..
I have a 4th and 5th, but frankly I'm just too tired. Maybe I'll post more another time. Or maybe I won't. I haven't been real good at decisions lately, so we'll just see what happens...

Welcome Back?

I haven't written anything in a month. That's pretty much because my life has been pretty good. It's funny, why do I feel the need to talk about when I'm miserable, but don't ever have the desire to say anything when I'm happy? Anyhow. life has been good. Work is crazy, but I'm feeling more comfortable. The new girl is awesome, she REALLY likes me, which is nice because I haven't felt loved in a long time. She of course has her issues, (I mean who doesn't) but overall I feel like we get along well together. But today my thoughts turn to something a little more upsetting. I don't think I'm ready to put it down in here yet, I need to organize my thoughts, but I do want to say that my heart bleeds for somone special who is letting me down. I want so badly for the people I care about to be happy, so much more than myself. I'm very protective of the people I love. I just can't help it. So when they go down a path that is going to hurt them. I want to stop it. But I can't. I have to let people make their own mistakes. God knows I've made mine. But it kills me, and I'm helpless. So welcome back negative thoughts, was wondering what took so long...

Vacation

I've really been having a good 2010. I've been really trying to keep a positive attitude, and stay away from the self-loathing and cynicism that has consumed my life for much of the last few months. The negativity wasn't helping, in fact it made me hate myself. And for the most part it's worked. I found a girl that I care about, work is going well, and life is going how I would hope. However, the last week my attitude is starting to waver. I don't want it to, but I've had a bad week or so and it's starting to affect my mood. First of all I got sick. I mean like can't get out of bed, shaking in the middle of the night, plus EVERYTHING in the nyquil commercial sick. And it made me sad. Not because I didn't feel well. But because I get really needy when I'm sick. And I missed having someone. A LOT. When I think about being alone, I'm generally ok, but there are times when I just want someone to take care of, and who will take care of me. I'm kind of a mess by myself. There were so many times when I wanted to reach for the phone and make a call, only to hang up because I knew there was nobody who wanted to take that phone call. And that made me sad. .. That was followed by vacation. I have a week off with nothing to do. Now most people would LOVE this. Not me. I hate it. Hate alone time. I think too much. About mistakes I've made, about how I could have done things differently. About how I've messed up so many things in my life. This is why I'm a workaholic. Doesn't leave time for these thoughts to creep into my head. Don't want them there. I just want to be so consumed with work that it will become my focus, not this other stuff. I don't like all this time to myself. I need a vacation from my vacation. ... i know this will pass, it usually does, but I can't help feeling nostalgic and longing for a simpler time. When I knew what I wanted, when I knew there was somebody that wanted me. There was no confusion. No wondering. I miss it. And now I cant wait for my vacation to be over so I can stop thinking and start doing. Get my mind off stuff. Save myself from myself...

Signs in Music?

I've always had a great appreciation for music. People closest to me may not believe me, because I generally don't share this. Hell, I even listen to sportstalk radio in the car. But the power of music is undeniable. It can transform your mood, or take you back to a time you otherwise wouldn't have thought about. I like to take it one step further. I believe there are signs in music. I know it sounds corny, but just about every girl I've come across I have a song attributed to. I don't pick it, it just kind of finds me. Did you ever notice that the song on the radio always seems to relate to YOUR life in some way? Just weird. Anyway, the point of all this is that after I broke up with my girlfriend, I heard this song. It's by Adam Lambert. These are the lyrics:



Hey, slow it down
What do you want from me?
What do you want from me?

Yeah, I'm afraid
What do you want from me?
What do you want from me?

There might have been a time
When I would give myself away
Oh, once upon a time
I didn't give a damn

But now, here we are
So, What do you want from me?

Just don't give up
I'm working it out
Please don't give in
I won't let you down
It messed me up
Need a second to breathe
Just keep coming around
Hey, what do you want from me?
What do you want from me?

Yeah, it's plain to see
Baby you're beautiful
There's nothing wrong with you

It's me, I'm a freak
But thanks for loving me
"Cause you're doing it perfectly

Yeah, there might have been a time
When i would let you slip away
I wouldn't even try
But I think you could save my life!

So, just don't give up
I'm working it out
Please don't give in
I won't let you down
It messed me up
Need a second to breathe
Just keep coming around
What do you want from me?
I won't let you down.....

Now normally I wouldn't post song lyrics. But these have particular meaning. I mean, Adam Lambert isn't exactly my genre. But the words kind of spoke to me. At the time, I really thought (hoped/wished?) that these were the thoughts running through her head. I thought the move out here and living together "messed her up" or that she got scared. I really talked myself into believing she just needed some time ("a second to breathe") and not to give up on her. On us. I ws convinced that she would work out all the anxieties and let her walls down eventually, she just wasn't ready. And I decided I would wait and not give up on her. I would keep coming around, and she wouldn't let me down.....
Well, time moves on and it becomes apparent that once again I am retarded and I try to find something that clearly isn't there. And the only answer to "what do you want from me?" is probably "not a whole lot". So I was then convinced that I'm an idiot, and looking for signs had clearly been a dead end. But then she came back into my life. By "she" I mean the girl I've been spending time with now. The words apply to our relationship in such an unbelievable way. Our relationship has been a see-saw of reaching out and pulling away. We're never quite ready to give in, but never quite ready to go away. And hopefully we'll figure it out. Because for the first time in a long while, I've been smiling again....
This is not to say that I've lost any feeling for Megan. She truly is an amazing person. And I still am a sucker for her smile. Makes me melt every time. Makes me think I could love her forever. Trouble is, when we're together, there's not much smiling anymore, and that's sad. With this one, there may be a real chance at something, or a real chance at nothing. I just don't know. What I do know is that I'm ready to find out. And hopefully for better or worse, the question "what do you want from me?" will (finally?) have an answer......

Two Roads

Robert Frost wrote a poem called the road less travelled. In it he states that he took the road less travelled and that "has made all the difference". This is an extremely powerful poem, and particularly poignant to me. Because I have had that fork in the road. Many times I suppose, but one in particular stands out. It was about 7 years ago and I was dating a certain girl. Now my girlfriend had it all. She was in graduate school. She was building a life, not just hanging out living day by day like the usual people I come across typically. Especially in the restaurant business. She had a plan. She knew what she wanted. Had it all figured out. She had a family that loved me, and she was always pushing me to better myself. (A fact that I found cumbersome, yet happy that someone found me capable) Point is, she was everything I would want from someone I'd want to spend a lifetime with. And then I meet this other girl. She is nothing I would want from a future mate. She wanted to be an actress, she was more interested in partying and playing the field than planning for a future. She didn't know what she wanted, and wasn't sure she cared to know. But she had that something. We had chemistry. She GOT me. Got my humor (sometimes made the same joke at the same time). We had an obvious physical attraction. And we were so alike on so many levels it was downright scary. So I'm at a crossroads. What do I do? Do I follow my head and make the "smart" decision? Or do I follow my heart and see where this obvious connection leads? Well, to make a long story short, after a number of fights, heartbreaks, and sleepless nights. I went with my head. I married the "safe" choice. Because I knew she'd be loyal, and more importantly, I thought she would be "good for me". She'd push me to be better, and make me a better man. I could start my family and live moderately happy ever after. And THAT has made all the difference. It pretty much sabotaged the next 1/2 decade. With it came a move to Jersey, endless bickering, and even some nasty fights. The inevitable divorce soon followed....
So why is this relevant now? Because I've recently been reacquainted with the 2nd girl. We're both older, and a little more grownup. But it's all still there. The feelings that were swept under the rug have pretty much resurfaced. I mean how many times do you get a 2nd chance to make the right decision? We've spent a couple days together and haven't missed a beat. And I will forever wonder what would have happened had I taken "the road less travelled". Maybe it would have blown up because the timing was wrong or we weren't mature enough yet. Maybe it would have been amazing and I'd be 7 years farther along in what could be incredible. I don't know. What I do know is that I've wasted enough time already. I've constantly gone for the girl that was safe, that couldn't hurt me. They love me too much, or they're so nice, they couldn't possibly break my heart. And then they do. So I'm ready to take the chance now. Don't have any more time to lose. I just hope it's not too late. I know she feels it too, she's said so in so many ways. But this time, SHE has the boyfriend who is stable and secure and is the obvious safe choice. I fear since she's so much like me she'll make the same mistakes I did and I'll be alone....again. Would serve me right. ..