Easter Thoughts

It's Easter. It's 3:15 AM and I'm in my most familiar places. Alone on my couch. Being that's it's Easter, my thoughts have turned to God. Truth is if there is someone out there looking down and judging, what would He think of me? Am I a good person? Am I everything that I can be? Because from here I feel like an epic failure. Divorce? check. Engage in Adultery? Check. Covet thy neighbor's wife? CHECK. I've made so many horrible decisions in life in the pursuit of love. I'm led by my desire to be happy, yet I'm farther from happiness than I've ever been. I'll never be "the one" to anybody. I'll never be the center of anybody's world. I can be someone on the side. Or someone's backup plan. Or someone to use until something better comes along. I'm a supporting actor, not a leading man. A side dish, not the main course. A stepping stone, or someone to pass the time. I'm a good time. But something serious or permanent? Never. Maybe it's because I fall for the people who are in need. I try to help people that are down and upset. I prop them back up, and then they have the confidence to find someone they truly care about. I am the prototypical rebound guy. That's apparently all I'm worth. And I don't know how to fix it. I'm so scared. Scared that I missed something somewhere. Scared that my best days are behind and I'll never find that special someone, or if I did that I screwed it up. I'm 37 years old. I have no money, I'm divorced. My job sucks. I have no kids, no girlfriend, no friend that I can trust enough to tell my secrets. Nobody who views me as their somebody special. I'm so sick of getting blown off for someone else. Sick of no responses to text messages. Sick of being made to feel unimportant. I swear I'm so close to leaving it all behind and going away. Stop talking to anyone. No one would really notice, and those that did would be relieved. I just want to matter to SOMEONE. I want that feeling that happens in movies, and I want that person to feel the same. But I've realized that it's way too much to ask. At least for me. I feel like I'm drowning in quicksand reaching out for help, but everyone else has better things to do to get involved. So I'll just stay there until there's no way out. Maybe it's my destiny to be alone. Not everyone gets the fairy tale. And the truth is, at this point I'm too jaded and cynical to ever let someone in enough to fall in love anyway. So it's another holiday alone. Suppose I should get used to it...

I'm just so irate that I need to write. I just don't get it. Why does she just treat me like a piece of garbage. Like an annoyance. Tonight we fought. I mean a yelling, screaming argument that probably had been bottled up for awhile. Truth is, I don't want to fight with her. I never have. I just get so frustrated. Everyone and everything is more important than me, and it's so infuriating. Yet I still didn't want to fight. Or maybe I did. I don't know. I really just want to explain myself. To try and talk through whatever problems we have. But she's so confrontational. Pissed off. Looking for any reason to jump down my throat. I don't know why. I just want to say STOP already! I don't want to fight. I don't want any of this. But she's yelling and I have to yell over her to be heard. So now it's a shouting match. It's all so stupid. She decided one day she needed time away. No explanation. And she expects me to understand. Well I didn't understand. I still don't. I just wanted to sit like mature individuals and discuss it. Instead we argue like immature idiots. Whatever we had, the "spark" or "electricity" or whatever it is has gone and it's been replaced by uneasiness and anger. It's so sad. Because we could have been great. Maybe we both sabotaged it because we don't know how to be happy. We'd rather it go to shit so we have something to complain about. But I don't think so. I just know that if I had to choose between how we were and how we are, I'd pick the past everytime. She says I ruined it, that I pushed her away. If she truly feels that way, then that's unfortunate. I disagree. I feel she pulled away, and I dealt with it wrong. If she just would have given us a chance, none of this would have happened. But none of it matters now. Between the two of us we took something perfect and tainted it. Ate the apple in the Garden of Eden and ruined perfection. Shame on us. Because that feeling and finding that person comes once in a lifetime. And we fucked it up. I don't know how to get it back. I don't know how to even get back to a place where she even wants a friendship. How can that be? We told each other so much and cared so deeply for each other. But everytime I try to make an effort to get any of it back, it backfires and gets worse. I don't know what to do. I get so mad everytime she walks past me and acts like I'm not there. I can't give her space, I see her every day! Can't talk through it, she doesn't want or care to talk. I'm helpless. And I don't understand how this all got so hard. She acts so differently. She makes it awkward. I hate her right now, and I hate that I hate her. I just want one more chance. One more night alone. Get a drink or go to dinner. And just go back to being the people we've always been. Cut through all this bullshit. And if it's not there anymore or we're bored, it's over. If it isn't, then forget this last month and let's get back to being the "us" that we've always should have been. But I can't make her, and the fact that she doesn't want to speaks volumes. There's just so many feelings going through me right now. Anger that she can throw it all away. Sorrow that we've ruined my chance at happiness. Fear that I'll forever be scared to let anyone in again, since this was such a miserable failure. But mostly I feel numb. I feel empty, like there's a void back in me that she used to fill. I feel confused, wondering how I could have saved it if I could at all. I just want to wake up and have the last couple months be just a bad dream. Because there used to be a time when I couldn't wait to wake up and go to work, just to see her and see what the day would bring. Knowing full well it would be amazing, even if we did nothing. Now I wake up dreading getting out of bed, because I have to see her and I know it's going to end horribly. It's the worst feeling I can ever imagine. How did it get this bad? God I hate it...

I purposely resisted the urge to write for the last couple weeks. Basically because it was getting tedious. I was getting sick of myself. Whining "why doesn't she like me?" everyday is so sad and pathetic I was going to beat the shit out of myself. Truth is, I had a love with her that could have been legendary. It was easy. Perfect. But it got screwed up. She didn't push hard enough to make it happen, and I got annoyed. I pushed too hard to make it happen and she got annoyed. And it's turned into nothing and that sucks worst of all. But I can't wallow about it, constantly living in the past. I can't keep waking up every day hoping that it's the day that she remembers how much fun we had together. That she remembers that I'm a great person, and a greater friend. She obviously has moved on and while that's unfortunate, I am helpless to change it. So I'm not going to be sorry that it's over, I choose instead to be grateful that it happened. I've felt an incredible love, as fleeting as it turned out to be. I felt deeper than I thought I could, and I opened myself up to someone in a way I never previously would. And if someday she does wake up and wants to spend time with me again, whether that's sexually or as a best friend or in any other capacity, well then I'll be thankful for it. Because there was never was a time that we spent alone that we didn't have an amazing time. And I miss that. But if it never happens, so be it. Life goes on. This isn't a fairy tale. Happily ever after doesn't exist, as least not for me. I just thought it could. I had hope, and that was a nice feeling to have. Maybe someday I can feel it again, but until I do I'll just be content for the moments I've had that have made me smile.

END OF AN ERA

I can't take it anymore. It's all over. My life as I know it has changed. She HATES me. I have no idea why. When we're together, she feels uncomfortable. Things are awkward, she's cold and distant. And I don't know what happened. She is all smiles and flirts with all the other managers. Yet with me, standoffish. I feel like the kid who was friends with someone in Junior High, only to get ditched for the "cooler" kids in high school. And the worst part is, if I try to make it better, she gets mad and pushes me farther away. I can't take it. Everytime I see her, I get this feeling in the pit of my stomach. And it's not because I want to be with her. Not at all. As a matter of fact, I know there's no chance for us anymore. Even if she came to me, I wouldn't pursue it. It's just that she was my best friend. The one I could turn to. About anything. She was my saving grace. She helped me. Made me smile in more ways than I can count. And now I have nothing. if I reach for her, she winces. Everything is so uncomfortable. I just want her to call me or text me and say that she loves me. That she always will be my friend. Come to me (instead of everyone but) when she has a problem. Miss me now that I'm out of her life. Is that too much to ask? I hate what happened to us. I hate that she took some thing perfect and spit on it (though I understand the reasons). I hate that she broke my heart and turned around like it's no big deal. I hate that she will NEVER call me again, unless it's to pick her up coffee or cigarettes on my way to work. I hate that I've become so unimportant, so replaceable. Not even she can deny what we had, how can she just turn it completely off? I spend half my time hopelessly in love with her hoping we could have been together and the other half wishing we'd never met. This hurts so badly. Seeing her all the time. All smiles, hugging everyone else. Or texting back and forth with someone at 3AM. That used to be me! I don't know what the next step is. I want my best friend back. I want to smile again. I want to make each other laugh. I want to know that if and when i text her, it's greeted warmly. Is that too much to ask? Apparently. Because she's so irate with me. The only thing I've been guilty of is caring about her too much. Why does that warrant this? Because I would drop everything for her. Because if she's upset I ask what's wrong and if she's ok? Isn't that what friends are for. She is the only person in the world that gets me. The only opinion I truly care about. And her opinion is that I'm annoying, smothering, and not worthy of her friendship. Awesome. I'm out of ideas. This will never get better, and my last shot at something great has blown up in my face. And I can't talk to anyone about it, because i have no friends left. And the one's I do have I can't tell. Just kill me..

Disappointment

I am so disappointed today. Problem is, I have no idea what I'm disappointed in. Things have just gotten so fucked up and I'm clueless how to fix it. I'm pretty sure the right answer is to keep my distance and hopefully things will eventually return to normal. But I can't. I work with her. I see her every day. And every day she acts indifferent towards me. She acts cold and distant. Things, mind you, that just a couple weeks ago she begged ME not to be. And when she's not apathetic, she's angry. Angry that I want to talk to fix it. Or explain myself. Or question what's going through her head. It's so frustrating. I just want to go back. I would kill to go back to when it was easy. When we constantly made each other smile. It truly made me as happy as I've ever been. I mean I love this girl. Love her more than anything. But I can't make her love me back. I wrote her a book for Valentine's Day. I poured my heart and soul into it. Meant every word. It meant a lot to me, because she means a lot to me. What did she get me? Nothing. Not even a card. And it makes me think it's because that's what I mean to her. Nothing. So where did it go wrong? Who knows? The final straw was when I apparently misinterpreted something she said. What she said hurt me a lot. Enough that I wrote about it here. So you would think that she would feel badly that she hurt me, even if unintentionally. But instead she yelled at me for twisting her words around and hasn't been the same since. I told her that I feel like I'm losing all my friends and she gets angry and feels like she can't be friends with me and it's my fault. Not exactly supportive. And yet I'm the one that feels like shit. I don't get it. So who should I be disappointed in? Her for pushing away? Or me for smothering so much that she felt like she had to. I don't know. I just know I'm lost without her. And it sucks...

I'm laying on my couch. It's 3:44 AM, and I've just finished texting back and forth with someone who I used to be close with. Basically, the gist of the conversation was that she did not want to be friends anymore. Awesome. I'm going through an incredibly difficult time right now, every single day is a struggle. And everyone I know wants to distance themself from me. I need more, they want less. Why? I try so hard to be the best person I can be. It's worthless. I feel like I have no one to turn to. I can't be myself. Because no one wants the real me around. They want the fake me. Because the people that see me without the walls up, apparently would rather they didn't. I feel hollow. Empty. I wake up every day and wish to God there's a text from that special someone. But there isn't. I haven't asked her to hang out. I didn't even text her for 3 days. I'm pretty sure she didn't even notice, and if she did, she was thankful. I can't shake this feeling of anger at the world. Angry at her for turning her back on my everything. And acting like it doesn't bother her a bit, while it kills me inside. Angry at my "friend" that doesn't want to be bothered with me. Angry that I have no one. Everyday I think about just leaving, going somewhere and starting over. And I know nobody would care for more than a day or two. I am so miserable. And I don't know if there's anything that can fix it. Ever. I'm numb. Finished. I have no hope. I have no desire to do anything anymore. Figure I can do that one last favor for anyone.

Just got home after a long night. A night that started out well, but ended with a thud. I hung out with some friends and had a really nice time. Had a few drinks and was ready to call it a night. Then I did something stupid. I met up with her. Now to me, this is never something that I would categorize as stupid. I mean I love hanging out with her. Always have. But tonight was different. Tonight I was made to feel like a piece of shit. Basically it was insinuated that the times we were together were for the most part one-sided. She never wanted them, she relented. Is it possible I could have misread a situation so badly? Did I really coerce her into something she didn't want to do? I really am garbage. I don't deserve her or anyone else. I honestly have never felt so unwanted. So irrelevant. So low. I was under the impression that all these feelings are mutual, that the only things standing in our way are her commitments. Now I'm starting to see that it's much more than that. I shouldn't have to constantly seduce and try to convince her or anyone else to do something. I need to find someone that wants me, is dying to kiss me, can't control her thoughts and actions around me. She used to be that person, or so I thought. Now it seems as though I am and will forever be someone she has clearly affixed in the rear view mirror, if I am important enough to be placed at all. I am so sorry for the harm and guilt I've caused. I just really thought that we were bigger than all of this. But in reality I was a fling that she wants to rid herself of. And I've just been too stubborn to let her. So as painful as this all is, I can't be that asshole anymore. Everyone's been right about me. I am a jerk. I am so dumb. Why would I ever think that she could want and love me like that? Well she won't have to worry. Since our trip to Atlantic City I haven't made a pass at her, and I don't intend to ever again. I'll keep my distance physically until I get some sign suggesting differently. I sure she won't miss it or even notice. In fact, she'll probably be thankful. And the world will be a happier place. Except of course for me. Happy Valentine's Day....

To be perfectly honest, I have no idea what to write today. I have no clue what to say, I only know that I had to write SOMETHING. My head is so clouded with thoughts, ranging all over the place. I has no beginning, middle, and end. Just a potpourri of questions, doubts, concerns, and uncertainties fill my ever-active brain. So, in the interest of sorting it all out, I tried to take everything one by one, but it seems impossible. It's as if everything is intertwined, nothing is independent of anything else. The truth is I'm just so confused. With everything. I'm so disappointed in my "friends", so upset about my "relationship" status, and so much in doubt of my abilities to do my job. I don't know if my job has negatively affected my relationship/friendships. Or if my "relationship" is affecting my ability to do my job. Or if my friendships play a part in screwing up my relationships. Or any other combination of the 3. I just feel like every facet of my life is kind of screwed up. I don't know how to fix any of it. Every day I feel like the gap between what life is and what I want it to be gets farther and farther apart. And I feel helpless. The more I try to change that, the worse it gets. I feel like everything I do is wrong. In my personal AND professional life. Can't I get anything right? I'm not even mad, I'm just so frustrated. I want SOMETHING to work out for me. If I'm a failure at my job, can't I at least have the girl? If I can't have the girl, or the job, Can't I have friends that I can lean on and talk to about it? Nope. I've been on vacation for six(ugh) days now and I've barely gotten out of bed. The only times I've gotten up were the first day in Atlantic City, when I had one last reminder of how great things could be if I ever got a chance, and to go to work because another thing in my department got fucked up. Six months ago my I really thought I was turning a corner. I started to get good at my job (or so I thought), I had a million friends who I regularly talked to, and I was really getting to know the most amazing girl I've ever met. And somewhere things got fucked up. I don't know where I went wrong. Maybe I'm just not meant to be happy for very long. But I'm not happy now. I'm constantly searching/grasping for something to hold onto. I feel like I'm trying to improve everything in my life. But everytime I try to open a door, I feel like there's a brick wall on the other side. I just want to be successful at some aspect of life. Can't I be good at my job? I put the time in, and work so fucking hard. Or can't I be with the person I love? I try so hard to show her we belong together. Or at least can't I have good friends? I try so hard to be there for my friends when they need me. Is it too much to ask the same in return? Guess so. On all counts. Somehow, I've screwed this all up. I'm not good enough. I fall short. At everything. And I'm just stupid enough to believe that will ever change. Shame on me. Well not anymore. I've resigned myself to believing that there is no light at the end of the tunnel for me. It's all hopeless. She'll never be mine, I'll never get promoted, and I'll never have anyone I can count on. So where do I go from here? What do you do when you have no hope? Nothing to strive for, no carrot to chase after, no brass ring. What's the next step when you're at a dead end, and you can't go back to where you came from? I have no idea. I hate this feeling of helplessness. I feel empty. And I don't have any delusions/expectations that it will change. It's too bad. I always felt I had a lot to give..

January 27, 2005 was one of the saddest days I've ever experienced. That was the day that my fiancees mother passed away. It was a long struggle, certainly not a shock. She had been battling cancer on and off for years. I saw this disease take it's toll on her and emotionally upon her only daughter. So obviously, when January 27th comes, my thoughts turn to her, and her daughter (now my ex-wife). I had many conversations with her, some good, some not so good. But I distinctly remember one conversation. It was near the end, she looked at me. She knew her time was limited, and she told me she just wanted to know that her baby was going to be taken care of. And I promised her I would be there for Carla forever. And every January 27th I remember those words and I hate myself. I feel like I failed her. That I let her down. Truth is, I can't make sure her daughter's cared for. I can't be what she needed me to be. And I hate myself for it. Sometimes I feel so selfish for leaving. Sometimes I feel like I did her a favor. I mean isn't it better to walk away than continue to make her miserable? I mean should I continue a path which would never lead to happiness, just because I said so? Truth is, I sometimes think she looks down on me and is so disappointed. I'm a complete failure. I let her down with Carla. My life is in disarray. I have no friends. No one who will be there for me the way I need them. I'm horrible at my job. I'll never get ahead. My bosses think I suck. My finances are a joke. My love life is beyond messed up. Every day I want to apologize to her and anyone that's ever put their faith in me, because obviously I'm not worthy of it. I'm a 37 year old, broke, divorced person with a dead-end job destined to live and die alone. I guess that's punishment enough for me. So I'm sorry, Mom. I didn't mean it. Your daughter deserved better and I hope she finds it, if she hasn't already. And as for me. Well, let's just say I'll never again make promises I can't keep...

I had this whole concept of what I was going to write today. Say all the things I feel. How I feel cheated. How I feel taken for granted. How my life was not supposed to end up this way. But as I opened this up, I just lost my will. It just doesn't matter. I'm so sick of sitting on my couch, or my bed, and saying the same shit. And writing any of it isn't making me feel any better. I'm done. I have to be. The truth of the matter is that I deserve to be alone. I deserve to be taken for granted. I deserve to be lonely. My life is supposed to end up this way. Because I choose to fuck my life up. I'm a fucking dreamer. I think that this amazing person would throw her life into chaos for me? How stupid is that? I think I can take these impossible situations and make them work. I'm so dumb. I just can't stop myself. So forget it. Maybe tomorrow....

C+

As I lay here, I'm thinking about a conversation I recently had with my ex-wife. In a nutshell, it came down to this: She is unhappy with her current boyfriend. He is unwilling to take their relationship to the next level. She wonders whether she should leave or compromise and be ok with less than what she wants, for it's better than being alone. We talked about this (knowing too well the irony) and my response was this:
There are basically 2 ways to go through life. The first way is a C+ life. What I mean by this is a life where you are never take chances. No risk, but no reward. You will always be ok. Average. You will not fail at anything, but you will never truly succeed either. Just go through life, never get hurt and be marginally ok. This way is so unappealing to me. I mean is that really living? But to some this is fine, because the chance of being hurt is too much to risk for an opportunity to be truly happy. I mean no one wants to fail, right? And I mean who wants to grow old alone? So maybe you want to settle for mediocrity and ensure at least a modicum of happiness.
The second way is the all or nothing way. You risk it all for a chance to get it all. If you want something, you go for it. You put it all on the line, you give it your best shot, but leave yourself vulnerable to disappointment and failure. This can lead to getting everything or nothing, with tremendous highs and lows. I told her she had to decide which person she was and act accordingly. Did she want to risk having nothing and be alone for the chance to find someone who wants the same things? Or should she stay with this guy who she cares about, and compromise what she wants out of life? I make it sound simple, but it's not easy. Being alone and taking a leap of faith is difficult. No one wants to take a leap and fall flat on their face. It hurts too much. So either way is fine for her, she just needed to figure out which way to go.
What I didn't say is that for me, there's no debate at all. No question. I'm the person who will risk it all for what I want because for me, doing otherwise isn't an option. I want everything, and I'll be damned if I ever look back on my life with regret that I didn't do everything in my power to be truly happy. I never give up on it, sometimes to a fault. Yes, I've failed. Countless times. Yes, I probably push too hard and it becomes counter-productive. But at the end of the day, I can look at myself in the mirror and say I tried. I gave it my best shot. Maybe it's not good enough. Maybe I don't deserve it. Maybe I do end up alone. Maybe I spend too much time way too miserable because of it. But I'll never regret it, because if and when it works out, it will all be worth it. And if that never happens, I won't wonder what if. I can honestly say I've put it all out on the line and fought to be happy. And for that I'm not sorry. Because I've had more amazing moments this way than I ever could hope for, with hopes of a lifetime more to come. But that depends on wheteher someone else is willing to take the same chance. And she's not yet. Hope she comes around. But if she doesn't at least I did all I could. I'll just be sorry it wasn't enough.

Last night was the first time I ever wrote out of anger. Usually when I write, I think about what I want to say and how to articulate it. It comes from the heart, but what I say is polished. Last night was raw. Didn't think, just wrote what was going through my head, right or wrong. Honestly, it felt good! I think I held that inside for far too long. I'm always so apologetic for being angry. Am I not allowed to be? I mean I'm not angry at her or anybody. It's not her fault she doesn't feel what I feel. That she's not beating herself up like I am. But can't I be angry about that. It bothers me that I went from where I was to where I am. When she leaves me, it hurts. And it makes me mad that it has to be that way. I know I have to wait for her to "figure shit out on her own", but that terrifies me. For a couple reasons. First, I'm afraid she'll forget about me. She can have anyone, why me? I mean I think we have incredible chemistry, but will time apart mess that up? Can you get it back? I just don't know. And secondly, I don't want to let go. Because I love the feeling of loving her. I mean the feeling or really loving someone. It's such an amazing feeling. I don't want to lose it just to be with someone who will never measure up. I want what I want. And when I know, I don't want a cheap substitute. I want it all. I want the fairy tale, the happily ever after. Mostly I just want her love. Today, tomorrow, and for as long as she'll let me. But it looks like it won't be today, tomorrow's looking bleak, and anytime ever is a bit of a longshot. Might as well find a way to live with it. But it will always suck, and I will always hate it. So I'm mad. Sue me....

I hate this. Every solitary second I'm alone, I feel I'm wasting time. I shouldn't be here. I should be happy, not with these feelings of self-pity. I can't believe this all went to shit. Last night I'm kissing the most amazing person in the world and today, I'm irrelevant. I'm an unfortunate situation. I hear "I'm sorry I can't be what you need me to be" and I just want to shake her and say "YES you can! Make it happen! But I can't make her want it. Or want it enough. She doesn't want the confrontation. She is afraid. What she isn't is willing to take a risk and chance being happy. And where does that leave me. On the outside looking in, constantly looking for some sign that it's going to change. I want her so badly. I want to touch her. I want to feel her body against mine. Forever. And it won't happen. And it sucks. And it makes me so mad that I'm helpless to do anything about it. Why can't she see it too. We deserve to be together. Why should we both be miserable apart. Where's the honor in that? How does that make any amount of sense. Why am I so tortured? Why send the perfect person my way and then make it so impossible? I am so angry she won't let it happen. I feel like I'm not good enough. I feel used. I feel so stupid for thinking there was that glimmer of hope. This is fucking bullshit. I want to die, because I'll never be happy without her. And I know how stupid it is to rely on another for happiness. But it's her. And she's the one. But it's not to be. Why would I ever think differently........

End of the Era

I'm home. It's midnight. I hate being alone this early. I'm drunk and my mind, as it does ever so often, is centered on the wrong girl. Well not the wrong girl, but the girl I can't have. Well I'm tired of it. I sabotage every "relationship" I have by being so consumed by it. I can't force the issue, I need to let things happen as they are intended. All I seem to do is push and whine when it doesn't work out. I've become a sad pathetic mess. Who could ever fall in love with that? I need to suck it up, grow up, and let things happen instead of pushing. I need to start being the person that people are initially attracted to, not the person that drives them away. If things are meant to happen, they will. But they definitely won't if all I do is sit around and cry about it. I need to come to terms with the fact that there's a REALLY good chance it will never happen. So I need to be ok with that. I can want what I want, but I can't sulk when I don't get my way. I'm not 8 years old. It's time to be the Dan I want to be and other people can like, or at least respect. So I am giving up. I'm moving on. Not onto anyone else, just with myself. I need to find the person I'm proud of. One that isn't angry all the time. Not frustrated, not on the verge of losing it. It's not that hard. I can do it...