Game Over

I toyed with the idea of not writing this blog, but I feel compelled to address it if for no other reason it may help me to move forward. Went to Jersey a couple of days ago to see the girl. I say the girl because I just don't know how to describe her. She has no problem referring to me as her friend or "buddy" (my favorite...ugh), but to me it doesn't feel right. Point is I know it was really stupid and I knew it was asking for trouble, but I got a call Christmas Day and we spent hours on the phone and had a really nice conversation. So I get my hopes up (again) and take the trek out there to give it one last try, and if not, spend some time with someone I truly care about. Anyway, the night went how it generally goes. We have a really nice time and then it gets fucked up and I leave upset. There was one moment that particularly stood out. We were out to dinner, and she received a text message. It was undoubtedly from her new "boyfriend". I'm sure he said something nice, the kind of thing that I felt always should be my job. What bothered me was the look she had when she saw it. She made a liitle smirk, and her eyes lit up in a way that I had hoped was reserved for only me. At that point I knew. Knew I was wasting my time. Knew there was no chance. Knew that I was clearly affixed in the rear view mirror. And my heart sank. Didn't want it to, but it did. Because I just wonder if my love has a shelf life. I feel like I'm a stepping stone. I'm the person you stay with to get over a bad relationship until something better comes along. I hate it, but I'm helpless to do anything about it. The game is over, I have no credits, I've used up all my turns and it's time to try a different game. Because that one clearly belongs to someone else now....

Merry Christmas To Me

So today is Christmas Eve (I guess techically Christmas morning). How did I spend it? On my couch all day with my cat playing guitar hero. The problem with this is that I never should have time to sit by myself. I need to be out doing stuff. Because alone time is thinking time. And I get in trouble when I think. It's why I've always been a workaholic. I hate to be alone. I think the most horrible things, I sit alone and feel sorry for myself. Think about mistakes I've made. Think of how much different my life could be if I didn't screw things up. This is not the person I like to be. This person is pathetic, a person who understandibly is alone on Christmas. Truth is, I need distractions. I need someone to make me feel good about myself. Maybe that's why I try so hard to hold onto something that clearly has left already. Maybe that's why I have so many "friends" and can't let go. And maybe it's why I try so fucking hard to please everyone, often at my own expense. Well it obviously doesn't work too well, because here I am alone. Not going to the girl's family's house for the holidays. She's moved on to someone new (Which I fucking hate, by the way). Not going to my family's house. They flew to Florida to be with my sister, you know, the child that they care about. It's just me and my cat. Honestly I just need someone to be here. Nothing romantic or sexual. Just someone to be there for me when I need it. Which is right fucking now. I need a hug, I need reassurance that I'm not a complete waste of life, and I need someone to listen to what I have to say without being judgmental or think less of me. But that person doesn't exist. Truth is, even if someone did and told me those things right now I would think they were patronizing me anyway. There is no hope, no light at the end of the tunnel. I will be alone emotionally, if not physically, forever. Merry fucking Christmas...

The Flu

I have so many thoughts running through my head that I really don't know where to begin. There is so much to talk about yet so little to say. My life has gone in so many different directions in such a short time I haven't really had time to absorb it all. But one basic thing I've learned is this. I am simply wasting my time if I attempt to get close to someone. It is simply a bad idea. And not even on my end. As not necessarily is a relationship way. It just seems like whenever I enter someone's life, their life gets worse. When I leave, it gets better. I'm like the flu. I enter, they're miserable. I leave, life is good. I just can't understand the why. I try really hard to be the best person I can. I would do anything to make people happy, yet it never works out. The last 5 girls I've talked to have had problems because of me. On one end it's my ex who was miserable with me and seems to be loving life now that I'm not around. On another end it's a girl who I become close with whose marriage becomes in jeopardy because of me. Then there's two other girls who have gotten into fights with their boyfriends because of their relationship with me. I swear I'm not trying to cause trouble. I just need a friend. And I don't have one. I just want someone to talk to without everything getting fucked up. Is that so hard? Well apparently it is, because I can't seem to get that to happen. I'm a fucking curse. I just wish it were easier to walk away and be a loner. Wish I could be content with other people's happiness despite the fact that it can only happen with me out of the picture. I hate it. I want to be the one people come to for cheering up, not be the one that brings them down. Why isn't there someone who gets me? Who I can share things with, without worrying about the inevitable misery that will follow. I need to be loved and i need attention. Yet I know it would be better for everyone if they never meet me. So should I be selfish and continue to fuck with everyone's life? Or do the right thing and stay out of everyone's way? Who knows..........

Looking Forward/Looking back

Today was the most interesting of days. It was my last day at my store (I'm transferrring for six weeks), so I really went into today thinking it would be a normal Monday, nice and easy, after which I would go home and be done with it. But life is never that easy. First of all, I had to do a shitload of work covering for my kitchen manager who's on vacation. Had no idea what I was doing, but I think I managed ok. But that wasn't even close to the most interesting part of the evening. First, I get a call from my ex-wife out of the blue. When I pick up the phone, I'm greeted with "Hi husband", which is strange since I'm not her husband anymore. She proceeds to tell me how she misses me and would like to see me before Christmas. Not that that's a mind-fuck or anything. We're still close so it's not as weird and creepy as it sounds, but still a litttle odd. Second, I didn't even hang up the phone for a minute when I get a text from my ex-girlfriend. Now she hasn't contacted me in over a week and i was pretty sure she had written me off as anything in her life. But we text back and forth and actually make plans to get together tomorrow. Ok, by this point I'm pretty sure that either God is totally fucking with my head, or I'm being punked in some way. But THEN I get a text from this girl I may have a bit of a crush on. We text back and forth and by now I'm definitely getting the feeling that it could happen. Trouble is, it's a lot like my last situation, and look how that ended up. Plus I just don't know if I'm ready to go through all that again. By this point it's just funny. It's like I was alternately reminded of where I could be going (this new girl/Kitchen manager) and where I've been (ex-wife, ex-girlfriend). My mind tells me to focus on the future, move on, move forward, leave the past in the past. Yet my heart hates giving up, and wants to fix something that probably can't be fixed because I do hate this feeling of failure that overwhelmes me. Truth of the matter is I know they both have moved on to new things and people, and I should too. I just want to be able to do it for the right reasons. Don't want to move forward to escape my past, want to move forward because there is something I want ahead of me. But if what I truly want is behind me, don't I owe it to myself to fight to make that work instead of giving up on something that was once so very real. But at the same point, it seems stupid to constantly be looking back, fighting a losing battle when there might be something better for me just up ahead. I just don't know. My head is spinning, I'm just so confused. I want someone to give me all the answers. The worst part is, whichever I choose, I know I'll wish I chose the other one. I'm just that fucked up. ....

Taurus

So I was reading about astrology the other day. Under Taurus (my sign) it said many things. One of which was-"Puts up walls and rarely lets people in, but when he does, it's for life". That kind of describes me perfectly, and I think it sucks. I need to learn how to leave people behind, because they either don't deserve how much I care for them, or they don't want me to care. I have no idea how to stop caring for people. When they hurt I want to fix it, when they're happy I want to share in it. I don't know how to fade away. I spend way too much time worrying about people who couldn't give a shit about me. It's just stupid, I hate wasting my time. Hate sending texts to get no reply. Hate bending over backwards to make people happy just to be disrespected in return. It's my fault. I give too much. I just don't know any other way. I can't just cut people out of my life. Maybe someone can teach me, I know some people who are good at it....

Mulligan

So I found out recently that I'm switching stores. It's only for 6 weeks, but it adds about 30 minutes to my commute. Initially this upset me. I mean there were so many reasons for it to bother me. Besides the commute, there was this feeling of being expendable. I mean of all the managers in the region, why am I the one that can be replaced so easily? But after re-evaluating the situation and taking the time to let it sink in, I've come to realize that maybe this isn't the worst thing after all. Maybe this is an opportunity for a fresh start, to go where no one knows me. A chance to give people a better first impression than i gave RVC. And not to fall victim of the same stupid pitfalls that have plagued my experiences so far. I can learn from these mistakes and try again, like a mulligan in golf, an occupational do-over. And hopefully this time will be better and I can bring that back to my store and be more of the person I want to be, knowing full well that time and space can undo some of my mistakes, and I can go back to being a manager I can be proud of. I know I'm good at what I do, now it's time to prove it. Again. I welcome the challenge...

Blackout

One of the amazing things about being in love is the feeling you get when you're around that person. You get goose bumps, you feel alive. Food tastes better, the sky is bluer, and little problems seem...well little. The world is a better place because they're around. The best part about BEING with someone is the electricity you feel. There's a spark, a feeling that's indescribable. Your heart races, the chemistry is undeniable, and and the excitement can be overwhelming. I say this because the saddest thing of all is the blackout. The blackout is when the electricity is shut off. No one flipped a switch, no one wants it to shut off, in fact there's a good chance you wish it would turn back on, but nothing. That's the feeling I get lately. Like I'm trying to flip the switch and turn everything back on again and feel that electricity again at least one more time. But I can't. If it's not there, I can't fake it and pretend it is. Nor can I expect her to. It's just frustrating because I miss it. I love that feeling. And maybe the reason I was such a mess was because I want the feeling back. And I want someone to have that feeling towards me again. I don't like feeling like just another person in the crowd. I want to be the one that makes someone excited. And I don't know how to get it back. Maybe I can't. Maybe I shouldn't want to. Maybe I should look for electricity in someone else's house. I just don't know. I just know that I feel empty without it..........

No apologies

I guess somewhere along the way, while wallowing in self-pity, I had a bit of a realization. I have been spending way too much time being upset because of what others think of me. I'm so sick and tired of bending over backwards trying to please everybody or to be someone that other people want me to be. Truth of the matter is, I don't want to change. Not for anybody. I like being a nice guy that would drop everything and do anything for someone I care about. I think it's a good thing that I am the person I am. And I'm starting to understand that if you don't like it, you can go fuck yourself. Tired of trying to force myself to fit into everyone else's world. It's time people tried to fit into mine. I'm not saying people always need to agree with me, but my way needs to be ok too. So here I am, for better or worse, undoubtedly me. Take it or leave it...

Unfinished Business

I think what bothers me most about this break up I've been going through is the fact that I feel like we had so much more to accomplish together. I mean there were so many things that we were supposed to do, but never got around to it. I never got to take her to a Broadway show. Never went away alone (not even for a weekend). Never went to a Yankee game together. I never got to do these cool romantic things for her that I was saving for "a special occasion".Hell, I never even sent her flowers. These were all things I took for granted, things that I KNEW we'd get to do together eventually. These were all things I wanted to share with her, but never found the time, and i truly regret it. Days turn into weeks and before you know it weeks turn into years. It never seemed to be the right time. Schedules didn't mesh, or money was a little tight, or we got into a silly fight. So time moved on and ran out and now I feel like we're left with all this unfinished business. So I guess the moral of the story is: If you feel something, go with it. If there's something you want to do, go ahead and do it. You never know what tomorrow may bring, and if you spend too much time waiting for tomorrow, you just might miss out on today. As someone special I know loves to say, every day is a gift. Don't throw it away wasting precious time, because you'll never get it back.......
That being said, today is Thanksgiving. A time to give thanks. So I would like to say Thank You to all those people who have touched my life. Thank you for all the highs (and lows) that have been brought my way, because without them, you aren't truly living. I am blessed to have come across some amazing people in my life, people I will never forget. And some people who have let me down and I've given too much. I thank them too because without them I wouldn't appreciate the friends I have today. So God Bless everyone. Goodnight.

Letting Go.

Today was the most interesting of days. I go to work like any other day. Things are going fine, and then I get hit with a complete shit storm. Apparently the fiance of a friend of mine at work is convinced that I'm hooking up with her. Now I am NOT hooking up with her. In fact, one of the main reasons I opened up to her in the first place was because there wasn't a threat since she's ENGAGED! And 98% of what we talk about concerns my want to be with my ex-girlfriend. But apparently that doesn't seem to matter since I am the scumbag of the Earth and apparently I'm just trying to get into everybody's pants. So obviously this makes me uneasy. First because there is a guy out there that wants me dead for no reason. Second, it saddens me to know that I can't even be FRIENDS with someone without things getting fucked up. It is because it's painfully clear that the people I care about the most are the people who's lives I screw up the most. I drive my girlfriend into a downward spiral into self-loathing and depression to the point of leaving the state. And now the girl who I am closest to at work has an issue that could put her marraige in jeopardy because of me. Not to mention the misery I put my ex-wife through. I hate that I get in the way of people's happiness. I really should just leave everyone alone. Focus on work and concentrate on my life without distractions or anyone to be close to. It's what's best for everyone, so I should man up and make the sacrifice for the sake of those I care about. It's time to let go....
The first step- I text my ex-girlfriend for what I really think will be the last time for awhile. I was feeling low and I just wanted to feel loved one last time. My text read "I know I shouldn't and after tonight I'll never do it again, but I just want to say I love you and goodnight". Now i know that's being lame, but all I really wanted to hear is I love you one last time before I give everyone their much needed space. Her response-"goodnight babe". Super. Guess the unintentional(perhaps) slap in the face is what I needed to hear, but it just makes me feel empty and hollow. So I guess the Teflon thing was an illusion, I've let it all get to me. Well not anymore. I'm numb. ....

Claustrophobia

You know that saying- "When one door closes, another one opens"? Not really true. What if one door closes and then you go to another door and it gets slammed in your face? Then you're left in a tiny room with the walls closing in and no hope of getting out because there are no doors open to you. And you just want the nightmare to end so you can escape it all, but it won't and you have this intense feeling of claustrophobia that won't go away.. This is my world. I have no hope, no goal, nothing to strive for, and no hope that it will ever change. There is nothing I want anymore. Don't want my ex, she clearly is no good for me and wants to be as far away from me as possible. Don't want someone new. I mean why go through all that bullshit again? Don't have the drive to succeed at work anymore, I hate my job and hate being the bad guy. Totally not my style. So basically there is nothing for me and I should let the walls close in and crush me, doubt the world would notice..

5 Years if...

It's funny how certain days get stuck in your mind. Well, funny may not be the right word. But the truth of the matter is dates never go away. It's good in that every year you're reminded of your past. Of course it's bad because every year you're reminded of your past. Well today's date has specific significance to me. It was the day on every invitation so expertly embroidered for our wedding. It's the day I got on that altar and said before God and all the witnesses that I do. For better or worse, rich or for poor, AS LONG AS WE BOTH SHALL LIVE. I guess I'm wondering if that makes me a fraud. Because I feel like one. Feel like a failure, like someone who can't uphold his responsibilities. Now I'm not saying I'm dying to be back with my ex-wife. Far from it. The last 2 years we were together were utter torture, and I wouldn't that on either of us again. But I can't help thinking that it didn't work because I didn't give enough, or try enough to make it work. I want to be the world's panacea, to fix everything broken, especially people I care about. So why do I make people so miserable. ....
Got interrupted in the middle of writing this by a phone call from my ex-girlfriend, who proceded to pick a fight with me just now. I mean talk about being on cue! I still have no idea what I did, but she decided to snap at me and make me feel like a piece of shit. This led to a mini-breakdown. I'm just so sick of being made to feel like I'm an asshole or annoying. All I ever try to do is help and be the perfect person. I'm not mean, I don't say hurtful things, I'm not abusive physically or mentally. I mean I could, I certainly have the ammunition. But I don't and don't WANT to. So why does that always get fucked up and twisted and I'm left feeling like I've done something wrong? If I knew what I did, I would fix it. I just am tired of being the doorstep that everyone shits on. My wife did it for years, my ex-girlfriend does it now, hell even my friend at work feels the need to get in fights over stupid shit. I just need someone who'll understand who I am, and not run away. Doesn't have to be a girlfriend, because I don't think I want one of those. Just someone to understand me. Is that even possible? They don't even have to agree with me, just know where I'm coming from. Is that so hard? I don't know, I just would like to believe such a person exists because it would really help if i had a hug right now...
Kind of went off on a tangent there. All I really want to say is that today is a day I will always remember. And all the good things and bad things that went along with it. But either way I'm glad I get the reminder...

Confusion

I never wanted this blog to be about my ex. Wallowing in self-pity has never quite been my style. Hell, I re-read what I write and sometimes even I think I'm pathetic. But I just need to get something off my chest. I read her blog, from 2007 until the present, basically the entire length of our relationship. It made me really sad. Not the sappy, nostalgic kind of sad. Because that would be ok. I like to torture myself that way. But rather in a way that left me utterly confused. They say there are 3 sides to every story: His, hers and the truth. I guess that's true, that it's all a matter of perspective. But sometimes I wondered if we were even in the same room. I read about a time where we had a really deep conversation. I came away feeling we really connected and that I helped her understand some things about herself. I read the blog and she says it made her feel lost. And it made me wonder. Maybe I'm misrepresenting the entire relationship. Made I thought we were happy in Jersey, but in reality she was bored, killing time, wishing she could be someone else, with someone else. I just don't know. I know she would never tell me, she's not that cruel. I just don't understand. She says she hates herself, but can't be with me because it makes her try to be someone she's not. Now correct me if I'm wrong, but if you loathe yourself, wouldn't you WANT to be something your not? I just don't get it. Maybe I never will. Maybe she's pushing me away because she sees a real chance at being happy and that scares the shit out of her. Or maybe she is pushing me away because she just doesn't love me anymore. I don't even know if she knows. What I do know is the more we try to explain ourselves, the less I feel like I know. Reading the blog from the first year of our relationship was like a small dagger in my heart. There were so many thoughts and things going on there that I didn't know existed. It opened my eyes to the fact that I need to reevaluate myself and my relationships with people. I just want all the answers, all the mysteries and secrets revealed. All the layers peeled away so all that's left is the naked truth. No bullshit. It could help me to know if I need to move on, or fight for what I thought(think?) was worth fighting for...

Teflon/Karma

When I woke up this morning I made a conscious effort to have a good day. I decided that all the things bothering me could be put aside for these 24 hours. One day at a time. So I focused on not getting down. Well, I think God tested me today. Work was tough, one of my good friends got in a fight with me, and in general it was a day that normally would have gotten me down. But not today! Today I'm teflon. Nothing would stick to me today. I kept laughing, smiling, and maintaining my positive energy throughout it all. I must say I felt somewhat triumphant that I was able to make it. And I must say I felt good. Then I felt rewarded because at 2:22 AM, she called. Now I don't mean to sound pathetic and desperate, like my life revolves around the ex, but it had been too long and hearing from her genuinely makes me happy. One week without hearing from her felt like an eternity. And I truly feel like it happened today for a reason. As if God knew I was ready. And He knew today was the day when it would make me happy and not push me further downward. It's nice when Karma works out in your favor......

The charade

I think I realize what's wrong with my relationships. Basically most of my relationships start because I make a pretty good first impression. I can be funny, witty, charming, and come across as an extremely happy, self-confident individual who has all the answers. The problem is: It's a charade. A fascade. A total misrepresentation of who I really am. I don't have all the answers, I'm certainly not happy, and self-confidence is not something that I have an abundance of. So, when I let my guard down and let someone in, it's not what they expected. I AM not what they expect. I'm false advertising, a lemon with a sports car exterior. Look good from the outset, but a broken down mess once you look inside. I try to be that person I pretend to be inside and out, to be someone people gravitate toward, not run from. But I can't. Can't fake it all the time, sometimes I have to let my guard down and be real. I wish to God someone somewhere existed who I could open to without them seeing me as weak. Someone who'll listen to my fears without seeing it as a character flaw. But I don't think such a person exists...

First of many.....

I honestly have no idea why I'm writing this. I guess sometimes I need to get things out. I don't feel close enough to anyone to tell them directly (I statement that I find truly upsetting), and I don't feel secure enough to allow myself to be vulnerable. So here it is, my first blog....
Today is day 3 of A.G. (after girlfriend). Now normally this is upsetting enough. I mean when someone tells you that they "just aren't feeling it anymore" (I mean really, people SAY that?!), the blow to your self-esteem is quite enough. But the truth of the matter is that is not what makes my stomach turn. The fact of the matter is that my girlfriend was the greatest thing in the world....for about a year. She LOVED me, I was her everything. She would smile and the room would instantly light up. We would talk about everything and nothing for hours on end without a care for time or place. Everything was an adventure, and even the most mundane things seemed exciting because of the company. And she was everything I needed. And that is the person I would literally die to have in my arms today, tomorrow and forever. But the sobering fact is that girl was replaced by someone I barely know. This person looks at me as ordinary, is bored by my presence, has nothing to say, and has forgotten how to smile. Mundane things seem, well mundane, and I've become the last thing that she needs. This depresses me more than I can ever express for multiple reasons. First of all, I can't help feeling like a complete failure. I mean if I can turn those perfect, loving eyes empty, then what chance can I have with anyone. If that electric smile has been buried, why can't I make it resurface? We were absolutely perfect together. In sync, perfect harmony. She would fill in where I was void, and vice-versa. And i somehow fucked it up and I don't know how. If I can't make that work, I have no shot with anyone. Second, my thoughts turn to the fact that I will ALWAYS be alone. Girls come, girls go. They never stick around. All I want is a family. A child to watch grow, and a woman to be there by my side to watch him or her grow. I know now that will never happen and it devastates me. Everytime I see my nieces or nephew I am equally filled with complete joy, and sorrow knowing I will never have a child of my own. I feel like my last chance at that stepped out of my car door with barely a tear.
And that is why I am the black cloud. Where I am, skies are gray and threatening. The downpour is inevitable and there is no rainbow in sight. I hate myself and I hate what I do to everyone around me. I make people miserable and then they leave. The harder i try to stop it, the worse it gets. It's like a sponge, the tighter I try to hold on, the more leaves it. The only solution left is to never get close to anyone. I'll be miserable, but at least I won't drag people with me.............